Okay…Today’s blog post is late. I did write it earlier, but last night I had some failure of my wifi adapter which rendered my computer non-connectable. It was a long 24 hours. I tried and tried to fix it, but had to wait until this evening and dh coached me along and now, all is well inside my computer again.
The funny thing is that so much happened today….This morning’s post is almost ancient. Oh well…It is still important.
Depression steals so much from me.
Okay…fantastically, wonderful, amazing news! Dh decided that it has been enough time with us apart and he is coming here in two weeks to see me! I cannot describe what this means to me! I pretty much cried when he firmed it all up and bought his plane ticket. I thought that this would totally get me out of my depressive funk. I mean, my best friend is coming to visit! And I have missed him soo much! And he is coming here!!!! To see me!!
This was all worked out and plane ticket was bought before noon. And then later, after suppertime, when I got home from programming…I could feel the denseness of the depression sliding over me. You know, I thought I would be able to ride the dh high for the next few weeks, but I guess it won’t be that easy. And this is why I say depression steals so much from me. I want to be excited and happy for the next two weeks. I don’t want to feel inert.
At least I can count on this…When dh comes, I will be soo happy and so busy and so excited that during those 5 days that he is here the depression will be over-ridden by my joy. So, I will at least have that time to feel like me. And though I won’t count on it, maybe the depression will actually be better by then anyway. A girl can hope, right?
Yesterday, I worried about the day feeling long and me feeling alone but I did not sit in the loneliness of my day yesterday. I had those errands to run and sort of on a whim, I texted a peer that I like, and asked if she wanted to go along for the ride and maybe go out to lunch too. She was happy to go, so we spent a couple of hours together, which was really nice. We did go out to lunch together…And I struggled with my ED. It wasn’t that I couldn’t eat, because I did. But the anxiety and backlash from eating was really strong. It was totally one of those moments where I panicked, the “Oh shit! I just ate food. Now I am going to gain weight. I have done the wrong thing. I need to restrict for the rest of the day.” This tells me that my eating disorder is a little more engaged than I thought it was. For what it’s worth though, I have been on track with my meal plan today. And I was yesterday too. I can be okay as long as I keep doing the next right thing.
This morning, I get together with Janis, my pastoral care person. I made the plan at the end of last week…And guess what? I don’t want to go. It just seems like too much effort. You know what I want to do? Stay in bed all day. It’s not really an option because I have programming…but I would sure like to do it.