Departures

I got a text last night from a peer that she is being discharged today.  I think I mentioned her a few days ago, and said that I was frustrated because she was re-engaging in ED behaviors. Well, she made herself sick enough that she needs a higher level of care and Hilltop wants her to go somewhere else.  I think this is probably a good choice on their part, because she has moved through the levels of the program twice this year already and now is back to needing residential care again.  Clearly, the program is not working for her right now.

I have really mixed feelings and also no feelings about her leaving.  I have gotten to know her pretty well and I have spent a lot of time with her.  I have both enjoyed her company and been driven crazy by her.  I will miss her companionship and support and I won’t miss her constant push-pull and attention seeking behaviors.  So those are the mixed feelings.  And as to no feelings; I will not cry when she leaves.  I am sooo burned out on feeling anything anymore when people leave…It’s just pointless.  I will hug her and say nice things and be hollow and emotionless.  I won’t feel and I won’t cry.

And when she goes, it will be pretty much the end of our relationship.  I will keep her as a facebook friend for a while and text her some, and eventually it will taper off and I will stop texting and unfriend her and after a longer while, I will delete her from my phone.  No…this is not some maladaptive grief process (that would be the not feeling/not crying I mentioned above).  This peer is a treatment friend, but not a recovery friend.  I am very particular about who I keep as recovery friends and so far, I only have two that I have kept and they are both from Renfrew.

What is a recovery friend?  It is someone who is interested in her own recovery.  And being interested in her own recovery means that she is interested in mine.  Rather than having our eating disorders collude, or feed off each other, they exist separately.  My recovery friends don’t even have to be in recovery.  As a-matter-of-fact, Beibs is not at all in recovery, and her ED may well kill her, but she wants to recover and is open and honest and thoughtful about her struggles.  What she needs more than anything is to come to Hilltop for treatment.  I truly think she could get the help she needs here.  But I digress.  She doesn’t hold my recovery back, she helps me move forward.  And the same is true of my other recovery friend.

Treatment friends? Are just that.  Friends I have while in treatment.  Treatment isn’t a vacuum, I need support and friendship here, but those friendships can stay within the confines of the programming.  I haven’t connected with anyone here who I plan on keeping as a recovery friend.  Wait!  That’s not true.  I can think of someone I will keep as a recovery friend….

Oooh…I just thought of something.  I was kind of thinking as I was typing, “Why have I not made any recovery friends here?” And I kind of scrolled through my Renfrew friends in my mind and I got to Sarah.  I think I know part of the reason that I don’t want to take the risk of recovery friends at Hilltop.

Okay.  I am not in the mood for dealing with Sarah right now, so I am just going to shut this down.  Fuck, Meg made such a big deal out of this when I came to Hilltop.  And she even brought it up when I transitioned to Kyla. What if she is right? I had this pushed way back into the recesses of my mind…I didn’t mean to dig it out again.

Ohhh…Fuck again!  I am not liking the connections I am making.  Since I am on the tail end of the program here and so is everyone else in IOP, what if I am struggling staying connected in the group because I am already trying to break off emotionally to protect myself from them and me leaving?  And trying to keep emotional distance to avoid more Sarahs?

Sometimes, I hate my introspection.

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