I was a bad therapee yesterday. I had therapy at 9. I had been okay, I had talked to my PNP prior to therapy and was feeling good. I adore my PNP so talking to her always makes me feel better for a little while. But when I headed out to therapy, my anxiety hit me. I have no idea why I was anxious, but by the time I got to therapy, I was really anxious. All I can figure is that it was related to therapy. I’m not sure what triggered it though.
Unfortunately, it was one of those appointments where I was really struggling to stay present and connected. Grace did a lot of talking, which was fine, she was explaining some stuff and reflecting stuff back to me. And if you ask me now what she said, I really couldn’t tell you. I know we talked about peers and feelings, I know that we talked about something about yoga and self-care, I know that when I left she said we would go over two homework assignments on Monday. But…the details about all of this is fuzzy because I just couldn’t stay focused. Like, I remember one of the assignments she said, but not the other (but I am going to guess which one she meant). And I can’t remember at all the details about what she said about self-care. Nor can I really remember the peer conversation other than the fact that I was really unhappy talking about it.
So, What makes me a bad therapee? The fact that I knew I was having a hard time staying present and focusing. And I almost said something to her, but I didn’t. I just kept trying to force myself to attend to her and hear what she was saying. Only, clearly, it didn’t work. I am really frustrated with myself for not doing a better job of communicating my state of mind with Grace. Actually, I feel pretty critical of myself for basically wasting a whole appointment because I couldn’t stay present. Fucking stupid.
You know, I was going to summarize the rest of the day, but I realize that it is all pretty fuzzy. I did a project in art therapy that I am going to take pictures of today so I can post them tomorrow. The directive was, “Where are you in the recovery process?” Oh right, we had our Gender and Sexuality group. Someone read her homework assignment and I wasn’t really able to give her much feedback because as soon as she stopped reading, I couldn’t remember what she had said.
The other thing about yesterday is that from lunchtime on, I felt uncomfortably overfull. As if I had eaten too much. And I am not sure what was up with that because I had not eaten too much. And the feeling lasted all afternoon and when dinner came, I had no appetite and had to force the food down. I am going to guess that this was a psychosomatic event. I say that, because aside from feeling overfull, I totally felt like my body had gotten bigger. Like, I happened to put my hand on my stomach and I was startled as to how much bigger it had gotten (since the morning.) Intellectually, I know that my stomach didn’t get bigger in 6 hours. But my distorted perception was that my stomach was bigger, and I looked at my legs and my thighs were bigger too
And then lastly, my mood, which had been feeling a little bit better, dropped again last evening. I was home alone and it was quiet and I just felt the weight of the depression settle on me. I know I refer to my depression as being on me a lot. Have you ever had an x-ray and they put one of those really heavy vests on you to shield parts of your body from the x-ray? That is sort of how I experience my depression settling on me. It is just feels like a heaviness in my mind and body. Like the depression has weight and substance.
I also realized last night that the woman I live with is gone all weekend and that I need to be extra careful to not isolate. And I am a high isolation risk this weekend. I feel more depressed, I am struggling with the departure of my peer. I will be alone in the house. It will be sooo easy to just stay in bed all day. However, I already had plans for a friend to come over tonight, so tonight is taken care of. Tomorrow, I will make myself go to yoga in the morning and to the grocery store too. And today, I will make a plan for the rest of the weekend.