So…the puppy barked and barked last night. I know from other times that her mom has been away that she has night-time separation anxiety, and so I own and use earplugs. But last night, the barking was too much for me because the other dog was barking too. And he was growling, like he does when strangers are here, and it set off all my hypervigilence/fear/nighttime safety triggers. I was a mess. After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore and I grabbed a blanket, came upstairs and got onto the covers of Linda’s bed and fell asleep. The puppy is in a kennel in Linda’s room, so my presence soothed her and there wasn’t another peep out of her all night. Am I supposed to climb onto Linda’s bed and go to sleep? I don’t know…but it was a total necessity.
Tonight, I am going to try to stay in my own bed because I need to be in my own space. And now that I know that I was safe-enough last night, that the dogs were just feeding off of each other, then I can hopefully be more settled tonight and not terrified.
As a result of last night’s disruption and me being so afraid, I am exhausted beyond measure this morning. Which gives me a perfect excuse to skip yoga. Of course, the truth is that going to yoga seems like too much work and all I want to do is stay home and isolate. I am on the fence as to what I will actually do.
There is also a good-bye lunch (so ironic) for the peer that was discharged from the facility yesterday. I am feeling really annoyed that she got kicked out for not eating for two weeks (because she has made herself so sick that she needs a higher level of care) and yet her group good-bye is a meal in a restaurant, which is how she chose to do it. Anyway, I am frustrated by her and also have no interest in spending time with my peers, so I am very, very tempted to skip the lunch too.
At least this afternoon, I have a legitimate reason to stay home so that I can take a nap.
I will get demerits from Grace if I isolate all weekend. (That was tongue-in-cheek I am much more likely to get compassion than demerits.) Perhaps the truth is that I will give myself demerits if I isolate all weekend.
Path to Recovery
Okay…so I mentioned an art therapy project yesterday. The directive was to make an art piece representing where you are in your recovery process. I kind of took the directive into a less artsy direction and basically made a map. It ended up huge, I bet it is 4-5′ wide.
It starts on the left with the super lows of being entrenched in the eating disorder. It is dark and bleak and hopeless. And as you can see, from that point, all the work is an uphill battle.
But as the progress moves up, and the eating disorder symptoms taper off, things start to look better until I get over the hump and into recovery.
Way on the right are some words that are hard to read that say, “Living Life”, “Life”, and “Hope for the future.”
And where I am on my path to recovery? I am on the slippery slope. It is a one step forward, two steps back, four steps forward, one step back kind of place. So, I slide up and down the slippery slope.
I wish I was in a more secure place and at the same time, I am glad that I am not in the dark place. I am guessing I will be on the slippery slope for a long time. And that’s okay, as long as I don’t slide all the way to the bottom.
I didn’t really depict it, because I kind of put the idealistic version of recovery on the right, but honestly, even that will have a lot of give and take until I get far enough away from the eating disorder. But I have heard from clinicians at Hilltop and from recovery speakers, that one can end up in solid recovery. So, there is hope for that.