By whatever method I am being measured, I suppose yesterday counted as an awesome day. Just as long as no-one looks too closely.
Yes…I made it to yoga. I literally almost didn’t. I didn’t do my timing right and still was eating breakfast and in my pajamas when I needed to leave for yoga. Luckily, at least I was showered! I was sooo angry at myself for not even giving myself the choice to go (because it was too late) that I cried. Lots of judgmental thoughts went through my mind. And then, I looked at the clock and thought, “I still have time. I might be a few minutes late, but I can try to make it.” So, I got the dogs settled, ran downstairs and changed my clothes, grabbed what I needed and ran to the car. I made it to my 8:00 yoga class at 7:59. So yes, I got to do yoga, which I really enjoyed. I am going to look at the yoga schedule today and commit to getting to yoga more than once this week.
Next was grocery shopping. Other than feeling guilty for spending so much money (I have discussed my beliefs about not being worth buying food for.) it was an uneventful trip.
In the early afternoon, was the lunch with my peers and the peer who is leaving for a higher level of care. I didn’t want to go. I went more for social graces interests than because I wanted to be there. Something about the whole luncheon really bothered me. As I was driving there, I realized that celebrating the departure of my friend (who had to leave the program because she was starving herself) just seemed wrong. It felt like we were celebrating the fact that her ED had won this round. The same issues came up around Sarah’s wake in June….I didn’t blog about it, but spent a long time talking to the AT about it. So, I got to the lunch and luckily, I was seated far away from that peer. I decided to pretend that I was just having lunch with the peers sitting by me (there were 11 of us, so it wasn’t awkward to just focus on the folks near me) and ignore the “celebration” aspect of it.
Do you know that I hate getting together like this with my peers? Seriously, I am so fucking tired of talking about eating disorders, our mental illnesses and watching people sneak in behaviors at meals. Or…of knowing that the person is eating the meal, but is going to go right home and purge. There’s a new person in IOP and she has been and is still actively purging and binging and purging. She’s been doing it for weeks. As a matter of fact, she and the girl who we had the lunch for, were living together and I am guessing some of what was going on with her was that they were in a situation in which they ended up competing with each other. Who could be sickest?
But I got off topic. I am so sick of my peers. I don’t know why I am encouraged to spend time with them outside of treatment. They are solely focused on ED talk…not even recovery talk, but ED talk. I am sooo much more than my eating disorder…I just don’t want to talk about it every time I am with them. I want to have real conversations about real things and that doesn’t happen. This is a huge part of the reason that I connected with my Janis, my pastoral care person, because she and I can talk about other stuff, which is a refreshing break. It’s also why I like hanging out with Linda. We have normal conversation.
I was so frustrated about my peers yesterday that I was ready to just wash my hands of IOP. Like, just screw it. What is the point anyway?
And if that wasn’t enough stress yesterday, I got a text from a peer/fried (who has been out of the program since September) asking if I wanted to go to her house and see a movie. I jumped at the chance. She and I have done stuff together before and it is really close to “normal” i.e. not focused on our EDs. When we were firming up plans, she seemed a little bit irritated in her texts. I let it slide and went to her house. When I got there, she seemed really put out and was cold and distant. I thought she was mad at me, and was relieved that we were going to watch a movie so we didn’t have to interact much. Then I noticed her gait was different, she had sort of a limp. That’s when I realized that I was not watching the movie with my friend, but rather with one of her alters. It explained her behavior…but still was pretty awkward as she seemed irritated the whole time I was there.
Aside from yoga, the only other positive about the day was that my friend who came over Friday night came over again last night. We sat by the fire and chatted, yes about ED stuff, but in a recovery way, we drank coffee, we had a snack, it was relaxed and pleasant. A good way to end a tumultuous day.
Today, other than church, I have nothing planned. It does mean that my depression may be more active…only time will tell. I have 3 agendas to work on, which will take up most of my afternoon. And I am going to video chat with dh. After yesterday, I am looking forward to a quiet day at home!!
Oh…and the whole realization that the luncheon yesterday felt like an ED celebration made me really miss the AT. He is the one with whom I processed Sarah’s wake. And thinking about that just made me pine for his compassion and caring. I trust him, I feel safe with him and I miss him. I am tired of being emotionally disrupted here with the revolving door of therapists. All I wanted and needed was some continuity of support which is not really an option here. At least I will be able to get that at home.