I wrote my weekly update that I send home to my outpatient team. It is so bleak that I am afraid to send it. I hope that I will feel better later today, because this is an ugly start to my morning. But it is the place I have been in since last Tuesday, so I don’t know if it will shift or not.
I am not doing well. My depression has rebounded, as has my PTSD. I can’t sleep through the night anymore unless I am sleeping with someone. Otherwise, I just wake up and lay in my bed. I don’t look at the clock, so I don’t know how long I lay awake for, but I end up sleeping in and then waking up exhausted.
I had a new flashback about the sexual abuse when I was 14, which I totally didn’t expect, and it has pretty much unglued me. I am so close to the edge all the time anyway, I just can’t take one more thing.
I don’t really want to feel anymore. My best friend stopped here Thursday (she was driving across the mid-west) and I spent the night with her and her sister at a hotel. I shared a bed with my friend and it was one of the first good sleeps I had had in a while. The next morning when she left, she was sobbing because she misses me…I miss her too, but I felt nothing except that sort of alienated disconnection from my feelings.
I slept over at a peer’s on Friday and we shared a bed as well. I slept through the whole night. Then last night, I slept in my own bed with the spells of just lying in bed awake. It’s like I can’t be around myself.
My meds are a mess, with me intentionally skipping them one night and then forgetting and missing them two morning this week. One of the mornings, I remembered in time to sort of fudge them into partial compliance, the second time, it was dinnertime before I remembered and there was no way to fix it. I don’t even bother to take my supplements anymore.
My therapist is going to push back trauma work again because I have not been doing well. It makes me want to give up on everything. Like, if I can’t get to work on the trauma stuff, then why bother to try to keep myself together? And yet, I can’t get let myself derail because I have come so far and worked so hard, plus I have no more options to extend my time here past January. But right now the struggle is overwhelming.
Of course, all of this has made my urges sky rocket. I am handling the SH and SI (and the SI is always passive and I have no intention of killing myself, but it is depressing to have it so present). The ED urges are more challenging to work through.
I feel like I am just totally fucked. And nothing is right. My therapist’s schedule is all wrong because of the Monday holiday. The programming schedule tomorrow is all wrong because of the holiday, and the dietitian has thrown in an extra challenge-meal tomorrow morning too. I don’t have the energy to have a challenge. At the moment, I just need predictability and stability.
And I have that one-month-left panic starting. I have so much to do in so little time. Oh…and I am feeling upset about leaving my therapist which totally pisses me off. I had no intention of getting attached to her and yet here I am, another Hilltop attachment to be ripped away from me.
So…yeah…depressed and miserable as all fuck.