My therapist said something to me Wednesday about how my feelings spiral and I get to a place of self-hate. I listened, agreeing in my head and then I was kind of looking for that self-hate part.
I don’t think I hate myself anymore. I am shocked. I know I do fall into patterns of self-hate, but self-hate is not my baseline. This is sooo different. Like, I almost feel lost without it, and there is a sort of hollow space there.
Then she asked if I was neutral about myself of if perhaps I had some compassion for myself. I kind of laughed at the idea of me holding compassion for myself. But….maybe some day? At this point, I’m at neutral.
So, of the core beliefs I have challenged and changed, what do I believe now?
- The sexual abuse when I was 4 was not my fault.
- The sexual abuse when I was 14 may not have been my fault.
- I can tolerate my body (for the most part).
- I can tolerate myself (neutral feelings).
- My eating disorder is a serious problem.
- I do have an eating disorder.
- I did have trauma.
- I was treated unfairly as a child.
- I have needs.
- I didn’t deserve any of my traumas.
- I can heal.
- I am lovable to some people.
- I can trust some people.
Okay…that’s kind of a mind-blowing list. And while I have these new beliefs, they are very fragile and get shaken very easily and there are still lots of contradicting feelings about them. And they are in no way cemented in my brain and I will and I do lapse on them. But to even accept these things as true (even if tomorrow I will try to deny some of them) is more than I ever had hoped for.
I am telling you, Hilltop has changed me in ways that are going to change my whole being. I am going to walk out of Hilltop a totally different person than when I went in. It is kind of terrifying, I don’t know how to be a different me, but I am really trying to learn.