I got invited to be in a closed eating disorder Facebook group facilitated by the therapist of one of my Hilltop Recovery Friends. It has prompted some thinking on my part.
The topic was compassion.
I wrote: It is hard for me to wrap my head around the concept of self-compassion. My initial response is to scoff at the idea and say that I don’t need anyone’s compassion, much less my own…But the longer I have been in treatment, the more I have realized the importance of acknowledging past wrongs and how they impacted me. Am I more self-compassionate? I am not sure, but I realized about a week ago that I no longer hate myself. This is a huge shift for me and is perhaps the greatest step I will take towards finding and accepting my own compassion towards myself.
She replied: This is HUGE! The ED has three roots, self-hate, shame & fear. Deprivation is one of the main causes of this. Every human has Core Needs & when ALL of these CN are not consistently met, a person experiences deprivation. A child, adolescent, teen or adult in deprivation of universal Core Needs lives in fear, feels toxic shame and comes to the conclusion that if they were better, smarter, stronger, more this, more that (this is self hate) then none of this deprivation of universal core needs would be happening to them. I am so glad you’re on this healing recovery journey and that you’re here with us!
I wrote: It has been a long time coming. And every word that you just wrote about shame, fear, need for perfectionism, core needs not being met, etc. has been the foundation of who I am as a person. It is almost weird to change….Like who am I now? How do I be with myself now? And how do I not slide down those familiar pathways during times of stress? I just keep reminding myself, over and over again….”Do the next right thing.” All I have to do is one day at or time, or if that’s too much, one meal at a time and just focus on doing the next right thing. (Which is often much easier said than done.)