Struggling this morning. Yesterday was so emotionally draining….I feel tired. Just tired and numb. I am pulling some stuff from some recent blogs and emails/texts to remind myself that I am okay and that I am making progress and that all is not lost.
“Heidi, You are a fighter and you are both persistent and stubborn. This is something I have seen from the get-go and if you use that to your advantage there is no doubt in my mind that you can have recovery and maintain it even when there are lapses. Hold onto that persistence and fight that you have and use it to your advantage. That isn’t something that someone can give you or take away, it is something that you have.”
So, of the core beliefs I have challenged and changed, what do I believe now?
- The sexual abuse when I was 4 was not my fault.
- The sexual abuse when I was 14 may not have been my fault.
- I can tolerate my body (for the most part).
- I can tolerate myself (neutral feelings).
- My eating disorder is a serious problem.
- I do have an eating disorder.
- I did have trauma.
- I was treated unfairly as a child.
- I have needs.
- I didn’t deserve any of my traumas.
- I can heal.
- I am lovable to some people.
- I can trust some people.
Victory indeed!! I hope you don’t mind, but I took a little time to read back in your posts. It is wonderful to see the progress that you have been able to make during your time at “Hilltop” and I can also say I 100% agree with what [your therapist] said! You are a resilient fighter and she is right-NO ONE can take that away from you. I wish you all the best and l would love to see you before you D/C.
Yesterday, dh and I were texting and he sent me some texts that I need to remember, so I am going to put them here so I can look back at them:
Me: I just have “gotta get it all done” panic.
DH: You don’t. You have made so much progress.
You’ll do a little more work with them, and then come home, wherever you are in your process. And you’ll be OK.
And we’ll take care of you and you’ll continue to work on on things.
And there will be good days and harder days.
For better and for worse…
In sickness and in health…
I love you. And your deserve to be loved and to be cared for.
Me: U r making me cry
DH: I don’t want you to heap unrealistic expectations on yourself.
You don’t have to be perfect, to be “all better,” for me (or any of us) to love you.
I know I’m not perfect, either.
wanna video chat?
“And remembering recovery is indeed defined by progress, not perfection; every valiant act of courage taken in hope of overcoming an eating disorder should never be underestimated.”
This is all gonna be okay. I’m gonna be okay.