What She Said To Me…

Yesterday, my therapist made a very direct statement to me that I have the fight and persistence I need to maintain recovery.  She said I might lapse and lapse again, but that I have the stubbornness to keep on going.  It was very powerful and I asked her to write it down. She said she would and she gave it to me today.

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“Heidi,

You are a fighter and you are both persistent and stubborn.  This is something I have seen from the get-go and if you use that to your advantage there is no doubt in my mind that you can have recovery and maintain it even when there are lapses.  Hold onto that persistence and fight that you have and use it to your advantage.  That isn’t something that someone can give you or take away, it is something that you have.”

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Little Victories 2

Yesterday, I agreed to take some new meds.  I have been resistant to this for a long time (like a year and a half).  But something has to shift.  My stubborn no-new-meds stance has not served me well.  And so, I agreed to trying not just one new med, but potentially a second as well.

Yay me!

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Little Victories

Did I sleep well last night? Nope.

Was my PTSD in crazy over-drive last night? Yup.

Am I still depressed? Yup.

But………….

I made it to yoga today.  This alone is an amazing victory.  I can’t say I used kindness to get myself there, but I did get there and I enjoyed it once I was there.

Maybe there is hope for me yet!

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Priorities

Yesterday got better.  This morning worse.  But I did eat.  Eating is the important thing to do when striving for the “next right thing.”

I didn’t sleep well.  I couldn’t fall asleep.  I was up frequently. I had a rape nightmare.  I woke up all discombobulated.

I am exhausted.  I am irritable…no…not irritable, just at my stress tolerance and everything over my stress tolerance pushes my coping skills which makes me edgy.

 

 

Love

Post #3

Yesterday, dh and I were texting and he sent me some texts that I need to remember, so I am going to put them here so I can look back at them:

Me: I just have “gotta get it all done” panic.

DH: You don’t. You have made so much progress.

You’ll do a little more work with them, and then come home, wherever you are in your process. And you’ll be OK.

And we’ll take care of you and you’ll continue to work on on things.

And there will be good days and harder days.

For better and for worse…

In sickness and in health…

I love you. And your deserve to be loved and to be cared for.

Me: U r making me cry

DH: I don’t want you to heap unrealistic expectations on yourself.

You don’t have to be perfect, to be “all better,” for me (or any of us) to love you.

I know I’m not perfect, either.

wanna video chat?

I love this man soooo much.

Depressed Part 2

I wrote my weekly update that I send home to my outpatient team.  It is so bleak that I am afraid to send it.  I hope that I will feel better later today, because this is an ugly start to my morning.  But it is the place I have been in since last Tuesday, so I don’t know if it will shift or not.

I am not doing well.  My depression has rebounded, as has my PTSD.  I can’t sleep through the night anymore unless I am sleeping with someone.  Otherwise, I just wake up and lay in my bed. I don’t look at the clock, so I don’t know how long I lay awake for, but I end up sleeping in and then waking up exhausted.

I had a new flashback about the sexual abuse when I was 14, which I totally didn’t expect, and it has pretty much unglued me.  I am so close to the edge all the time anyway, I just can’t take one more thing.

I don’t really want to feel anymore.  My best friend stopped here Thursday (she was driving across the mid-west) and I spent the night with her and her sister at a hotel.  I shared a bed with my friend and it was one of the first good sleeps I had had in a while.  The next morning when she left, she was sobbing because she misses me…I miss her too, but I felt nothing except that sort of alienated disconnection from my feelings.

I slept over at a peer’s on Friday and we shared a bed as well. I slept through the whole night. Then last night, I slept in my own bed with the spells of just lying in bed awake.  It’s like I can’t be around myself.

 My meds are a mess, with me intentionally skipping them one night and then forgetting and missing them two morning this week.  One of the mornings, I remembered in time to sort of fudge them into partial compliance, the second time, it was dinnertime before I remembered and there was no way to fix it.  I don’t even bother to take my supplements anymore.

 My therapist is going to push back trauma work again because I have not been doing well.  It makes me want to give up on everything.  Like, if I can’t get to work on the trauma stuff, then why bother to try to keep myself together?  And yet, I can’t get let myself derail because I have come so far and worked so hard, plus I have no more options to extend my time here past January.  But right now the struggle is overwhelming.

 Of course, all of this has made my urges sky rocket.  I am handling the SH and SI (and the SI is always passive and I have no intention of killing myself, but it is depressing to have it so present).  The ED urges are more challenging to work through.

 I feel like I am just totally fucked.  And nothing is right.  My therapist’s schedule is all wrong because of the Monday holiday.  The programming schedule tomorrow is all wrong because of the holiday, and the dietitian has thrown in an extra challenge-meal tomorrow morning too.  I don’t have the energy to have a challenge. At the moment, I just need predictability and stability.

And I have that one-month-left panic starting. I have so much to do in so little time.  Oh…and I am feeling upset about leaving my therapist which totally pisses me off.  I had no intention of getting attached to her and yet here I am, another Hilltop attachment to be ripped away from me.

 

So…yeah…depressed and miserable as all fuck.