Walking the Dogs

First of all, therapy was super hard today…The first part of it anyway.  First thing, the AT pissed me off.  I know this has little (or nothing) to do with him…but I was so mad that I almost left.  I don’t say that dramatically, I was really mad.  Now of course, it has blown over and I am left to wonder what was so triggering for me.  I think in part it has to do with me transitioning back to him after all the time away.  It just feels bumpy and I don’t want it to.  I really like and work with the AT very well…I wanted a seamless transition but parts of me are stumbling.

Why stumbling?  Because I think I expected things to be like they were before I left for treatment and yet they are not.  I did a huge amount of growth and change and I think I need to catch up with myself!  The AT is right on track and caught up…but I am tripping over my own feet. I think this is a classic example of a time where I need to give  myself a whole heck-of-a-lotta grace.

And as to the AT?  He is himself.  And boy is he pushing me hard.  It’s okay, I can take it…but I have been shedding a lot of tears during therapy.  I guess that means it is working.

Now…Dogs.

The dogs need to be walked and I am home during the day and can walk them.  Like right now, it is sunny and cool and just a delicious fall day….perfect for walking the dogs.  But I really struggle with walking them because I am afraid of it triggering  my extreme exercise mode.  My fear about the eating disorder taking the reins when I exercise has been ongoing and I have managed it by simply avoiding exercise.  I avoided it in treatment, I avoid it now….But avoiding it gets me nowhere.  Ugh.  I don’t have much to say about this.  I guess I really need to talk about it with dietitian next week.  Not that we haven’t talked about it before…..<sigh>  I do have a goal of walking the dogs today and of walking them just for a 20-30 mins. I’ll just have to see if I can actually do it.

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