First of all, therapy was super hard today…The first part of it anyway. First thing, the AT pissed me off. I know this has little (or nothing) to do with him…but I was so mad that I almost left. I don’t say that dramatically, I was really mad. Now of course, it has blown over and I am left to wonder what was so triggering for me. I think in part it has to do with me transitioning back to him after all the time away. It just feels bumpy and I don’t want it to. I really like and work with the AT very well…I wanted a seamless transition but parts of me are stumbling.
Why stumbling? Because I think I expected things to be like they were before I left for treatment and yet they are not. I did a huge amount of growth and change and I think I need to catch up with myself! The AT is right on track and caught up…but I am tripping over my own feet. I think this is a classic example of a time where I need to give myself a whole heck-of-a-lotta grace.
And as to the AT? He is himself. And boy is he pushing me hard. It’s okay, I can take it…but I have been shedding a lot of tears during therapy. I guess that means it is working.
The dogs need to be walked and I am home during the day and can walk them. Like right now, it is sunny and cool and just a delicious fall day….perfect for walking the dogs. But I really struggle with walking them because I am afraid of it triggering my extreme exercise mode. My fear about the eating disorder taking the reins when I exercise has been ongoing and I have managed it by simply avoiding exercise. I avoided it in treatment, I avoid it now….But avoiding it gets me nowhere. Ugh. I don’t have much to say about this. I guess I really need to talk about it with dietitian next week. Not that we haven’t talked about it before…..<sigh> I do have a goal of walking the dogs today and of walking them just for a 20-30 mins. I’ll just have to see if I can actually do it.