Not Feeling It
Traditionally, the day after Thanksgiving, dh, ds and I head to the tree farm and cut down our tree and decorate it. The past few years, that tradition has slid to the wayside, partly due to my work schedule, partly due to my mood and partly due to entropy.
I have been planning since October that we would get back on track with our tradition and I have been excited to do so. So, yesterday morning, we headed out to the tree farm to find the perfect tree.
And we did. And then we brought it home and put it up and decorated it and revived the holiday tradition. Perfect, right? Nope. I tried and I tried, but I just wasn’t feeling it. As a matter of fact, I just wasn’t feeling anything. I went through all the motions, did all the right things and was just numb. Ugh…I hate that. Why do my feelings do this? I have a lovely family, a lovely tradition, a lovely tree…Why is my ability to feel it broken?
It is so hard, when I am trying to reclaim my life (I mean the rest of my life, not the tree tradition), that my feelings betray me. Like, can’t I just catch a break and enjoy tree day? Does that mean I was dissociated yesterday? (And possibly still today?) Was that because of Thanksgiving? Did Thanksgiving go okay because I was just shut down and playing my facade?
I know…a lot of questions…And I have no answers….Only frustration and disappointment. And that familiar feeling of wishing to be normal and wanting to enjoy things like normal people. I hate being broken. Doesn’t this ever get better?