I was right. The two newest admits have totally changed the social dynamic. It’s fascinating as one was here very recently and has returned. That’s not the fascinating part, the fascinating part is how some of the staff have responded to her and allow her lots of lee-way. I suppose it could be that the rules are different because she is not brand-new to the place. But even so, there is a definite vibe going on that I am not really liking.
Such is the life of a constantly changing social group with ever shifting dynamics. And the life of someone who hates it.
Compliance and Integrity
I worked hard to be compliant yesterday as I really want to go on the outing to Michael’s. If you are non-compliant within 24 hours of an outing, you can’t go. So, I need to get through the next two meals. Of course, the goal is to stay compliant after that too, but I am focusing on these couple of meals. Oddly, even though I had counted two non-compliances this week, I am only marked down for 1. I talked to my favorite Direct Care person about as I wanted to be honest about it, but she said it wasn’t recorded. I guess I won’t complain, as didn’t try to hide it, so I am feeling like I did the right thing. My integrity is important to me.
I have to know
So…I am kind of losing my shit. I cannot stop checking my body to see how much weight I have gained. Like, I obsessively use my hands to body check during groups, I start off my mornings now by body checking in the mirror (I hadn’t done this before). I have devised plans as to how I can measure my body to see if it is getting bigger. And over and over I body check and body check and body check with my hands. I am going to lose my mind if I don’t know how much I weigh.
I also cannot stop obsessing around calories. Yesterday, about 6 times, I started mentally calculating the calories I had eaten. And six times, I stopped. One of the last times, I was sitting on the porch, phone in hand, ready to google the calories and one of my peers came out onto the porch to. I confessed that I was about to do an ED driven behavior (didn’t say what though to not be triggering) and I allowed her to distract me. I also texted one of my ED recovery friends and told her I was struggling to not count calories. Her response was, “It’s not going to help. Feed yourself, don’t feed the ED.” Of course, she is right. And I knew she would say something like that which is why I texted her. But it hasn’t lowered the level of the urges.
I am still beyond self-conscious about my meal sizes and portion sizes. I am going to start a list of things to not request for snack anymore because I feel so awkward. Snack is more social and interactive and the table is such that more people can see what you are eating. Yesterday, I just wanted to die from shame because of my snack portion. Honestly, it is was so little food that I don’t even know why I bother to have snack anyway. And if I wasn’t trying to be compliant for the outing today, I may have just walked away. Instead, I just burned in shame and made a note that I need to figure out better ways to do snack. I had the same issue with the sub-meal this week (you can substitute a meal 3x/wk if you don’t like the meal being offered.) The sub meal is a BLT with Doritos and fruit. Only, because I am gluten free, I can’t have the vegetarian bacon, so I have a Sunbutter and jelly sandwich which looks tiny compared to the BLTs and of course, ¼ of it is cut off. Again, it is so glaringly small on my plate….It is so obvious…they may as well just spell out the word FAT with my food. Basically, if meals weren’t hard enough already, this whole Portion-of-Shame business is killing me.
Ugh…I am just not a happy camper.
All I need to do is get through today and go in the outing and come home with some projects/craft supplies that can take my mind off of things for a while.
Oh…I did mention my portion size issue (though not at all the depth to which I feel it) to the dietician the other day. I got the impression that I was not the first to speak up about being uncomfortable with the comparing. Last night she made an announcement about how meal plans are individualized and that comparing is not appropriate and can lead to colluding with other people’s EDs. Will it make a difference? I am guessing not. At dinner, I was sitting next to the woman who I am most uncomfortable with at meals because she is always looking at my plate and talking about comparing (and for some reason, I am always sitting next to her or directly across from her.) Anyway, as I slowly ate my 3 pieces of asparagus, TVP patty (which was cut in half) and small scoop of scalloped potatoes (1/2 cup maybe) which was all served on an 11” inch dinner plate, I caught my peer making sidelong glances at my plate. I really wanted to just say “fuck it” and get up and walk away. But….the Michael’s trip. It has been a huge motivation for me the past few days. So, instead, I just sat there and wanted to die and ate my food as slowly as possible to make it look like I had more food than I had. And then, I had forgotten that the meal ended with a dessert. I am only hoping she didn’t see that the ice cream cup I was handed had ¼ of the ice cream scooped out.
There has got to be a better way to do the portioning.