The Project

Right now, my time has been consumed by a project.  My program dietitian recommended that I rearrange my dining room and kitchen to disrupt the possibility of slipping back into eating disorder auto-pilot when I got home.  And so…We have rearranged.  And are still rearranging.  Basically, we are having a whole house purge starting with the dining room and kitchen.  If it hasn’t been used in a long time, it is outta here.  If we have kept it due to an obligation or guilt, it’s outta here.  It’s a new beginning in multiple ways.  And I am liking it.

Except.  Except that I am totally letting the projects consume me and am giving myself very little room to think/feel/breathe.  This is not an ideal position for me to be in.  It also has meant that I haven’t ventured out to yoga at a new studio yet.  I know my hesitation is that it will be a brand-new studio and I am anxious about that.  But…I am starting to feel a bit edgy and off and I know that means that I will have to go to yoga asap.  So…I guess I will be off to yoga tomorrow.  I need to figure out a class…Oh! And I need to check the weather, as I have heard we have bad weather coming our way.

Back to the rearranging…So, we have an U shaped open floor plan living room/dining room and then a galley kitchen (the stairs are in the middle of the U).  I love that it feels spacious and open.  I hate that we have been bogged down by poorly placed and crappy furniture and clutter.  We have moved some of the crappy furniture out and as I said before, we are purging clutter.  But, the rearrangement we have done…I love it.  We moved the dining room table around the corner and on the far side of the U and now it looks over the deck and outside at the view.  We moved our bird feeders so that we can enjoy the birds too.  Where the dining room table was, we put a coffee table and moved two small arm chairs.  This faces the kitchen, but you can see around the whole U from there.  We call it “The Cafe.”  And we all love it.  Such simple changes, but such a huge difference!

Next week, we will be putting a new coat of paint on the walls.  Dh wanted yellow, and I am not invested in a color, so yellow it will be.  He wants to do that thing where you have some walls one color and then an accent color on another wall.  Again, I am game…whatever, just as long as it looks new and different.

We also have some nasty wall damage from our crappy futon frame…I think we are going to cheat to fix it.  It is on the inside of the U and sort of a stand-alone wall.  I think we may slap up some wainscoting and call it good.  It will also be a good trial to see what we think of wainscoting.

So much to do and so much fun!  Well…unless you count that part where I am sooo exhausted from doing all this stuff for hours on end.

Okay…Off to the city for some appointments.

Love

Post #3

Yesterday, dh and I were texting and he sent me some texts that I need to remember, so I am going to put them here so I can look back at them:

Me: I just have “gotta get it all done” panic.

DH: You don’t. You have made so much progress.

You’ll do a little more work with them, and then come home, wherever you are in your process. And you’ll be OK.

And we’ll take care of you and you’ll continue to work on on things.

And there will be good days and harder days.

For better and for worse…

In sickness and in health…

I love you. And your deserve to be loved and to be cared for.

Me: U r making me cry

DH: I don’t want you to heap unrealistic expectations on yourself.

You don’t have to be perfect, to be “all better,” for me (or any of us) to love you.

I know I’m not perfect, either.

wanna video chat?

I love this man soooo much.

Butterflies in Late December

Yesterday, we visited a butterfly conservatory.  It was amazing.  We walked into the room and immediately, butterflies glided past us.  It was truly magical.  The room was hot and humid…a delicious treat from the winter temperatures.

As we wound through the paths, the butterflies would lift from the foliage, drift about and then flutter back down.  They circled in the air like birds.  It was peaceful and delightful.

At first I though that we would be there briefly, as the room was not too big.  But we sat on benches and watched the butterflies and we tried to photograph them…no easy task with the shutter delay on cellphone cameras!  We also talked a lot with one of the employees about the butterflies, which are imported from South America and Asia.  Actually, their chrysalides are imported and we saw many in their “incubator” that were ready to hatch.  We stayed for quite a while.

It was so. much. fun!!!

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Lights

The big highlight of dh’s visit (so far!) was going to a glow event in the city.  It was delightful to stroll through the grounds, holding hands with my best friend and enjoying the lights.  And it was nice to have a break from all-treatment-all-the-time life that I have been living for the past 5.5 months.

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Depression Steals So Much From Me

Okay…Today’s blog post is late.  I did write it earlier, but last night I had some failure of my wifi adapter which rendered my computer non-connectable.  It was a long 24 hours.  I tried and tried to fix it, but had to wait until this evening and dh coached me along and now, all is well inside my computer again.

The funny thing is that so much happened today….This morning’s post is almost ancient.  Oh well…It is still important.


 

Depression steals so much from me.

Okay…fantastically, wonderful, amazing news!  Dh decided that it has been enough time with us apart and he is coming here in two weeks to see me!  I cannot describe what this means to me!  I pretty much cried when he firmed it all up and bought his plane ticket.  I thought that this would totally get me out of my depressive funk.  I mean, my best friend is coming to visit! And I have missed him soo much!  And he is coming here!!!!  To see me!!

This was all worked out and plane ticket was bought before noon.  And then later, after suppertime, when I got home from programming…I could feel the denseness of the depression sliding over me.  You know, I thought I would be able to ride the dh high for the next few weeks, but I guess it won’t be that easy.  And this is why I say depression steals so much from me.  I want to be excited and happy for the next two weeks.  I don’t want to feel inert.

At least I can count on this…When dh comes, I will be soo happy and so busy and so excited that during those 5 days that he is here the depression will be over-ridden by my joy.  So, I will at least have that time to feel like me.  And though I won’t count on it, maybe the depression will actually be better by then anyway.  A girl can hope, right?

Yesterday, I worried about the day feeling long and me feeling alone but I did not sit in the loneliness of my day yesterday.  I had those errands to run and sort of on a whim, I texted a peer that I like, and asked if she wanted to go along for the ride and maybe go out to lunch too.  She was happy to go, so we spent a couple of hours together, which was really nice.  We did go out to lunch together…And I struggled with my ED.  It wasn’t that I couldn’t eat, because I did.  But the anxiety and backlash from eating was really strong.  It was totally one of those moments where I panicked, the “Oh shit! I just ate food.  Now I am going to gain weight.  I have done the wrong thing.  I need to restrict for the rest of the day.”  This tells me that my eating disorder is a little more engaged than I thought it was.  For what it’s worth though, I have been on track with my meal plan today.  And I was yesterday too.  I can be okay as long as I keep doing the next right thing.

This morning, I get together with Janis, my pastoral care person.  I made the plan at the end of last week…And guess what?  I don’t want to go.  It just seems like too much effort.  You know what I want to do?  Stay in bed all day.  It’s not really an option because I have programming…but I would sure like to do it.

Blackberry Cobbler

Woke up this morning and before I was fully awake, I thought I was home.  Dh loves toast and eats it alll the time.  (Seriously, he is a toast addict!)  So, the woman I am living with was already up and I could smell toast, so I think smelling toast as I was waking up transported me back home to the many mornings I would wake up to the smell of dh’s toast. It made for a rough start of the day.  Funny how a simple smell can transport me the 1160 miles to home.  I want to say I hate being here…but I don’t.  I need to be here to get better.  I can’t hate being here because that won’t help me.  But I would be much, much happier to be home.

Monday, among other assignments, my dietitian wanted me to make a blackberry cobbler.  I have been eating a lot of blackberries and she was concerned that I was being repetitive with my food.  (Really, it was because blackberries have been $1 a package…and unheard of price back home and I love blackberries, so I have been eating as many of the as I can!!!!!) I took up her challenge, bought a cute little Pyrex container and baked my cobbler.

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And then? I panicked. Because step two of making the cobbler would be to eat the cobbler. And I panicked.  I am sooo mad at myself.  Like it’s just a stupid cobbler, why can’t I eat it? Why does my brain go right to the fact that it is calories and that I can’t have extra calories?

See why I can’t hate being here? I still need to be here. As frustrating as that is to admit, I am not quite done my work here yet.  And I won’t be done any of the work when I go home, I know that.  But I need to be more consistent with the food.  I need to be able to panic over food and still eat it. Oh…right…the cobbler.  So, I ate one spoonful of it last night, just so I could say I had some. I am going to challenge myself by having cobbler for breakfast.  Because it’s just cobbler, right?  It’s just a fucking cobbler.

 

 

Thankful

I am not so much a “What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving” kind of person…But….What am I thankful for?

Okay…first of all, I am thankful for myself and the fact that I am even alive right now.  I did not kill myself this year.  I survived the worst points of my eating disorder.  My Hilltop dietitian pointed out to me recently that before I went into treatment in March (at the other facility) I was not eating enough to sustain life.  She pointed out our bodies are resilient and do anything to stay alive, but that the cost is high.  I am thankful that despite hitting some ultra-lows with my depression that I did not kill myself.  Yes, I am just plain thankful that I am alive to write this blog post.

I am thankful to dh for his unwavering support, for keeping our household running, for missing me every day but never asking me to come home, for telling me that as long as it takes and whatever I need, we will make it work so that I can get better.  And I am thankful for his unconditional love.

I am thankful for ds who has been willing to pick up slack at home and step into a role of much responsibility.  I am also thankful for his love and support and flexibility with me being gone.  And I am thankful he is doing it all while juggling a job and a full semester.  He is an amazing kid…errr…man.

I am thankful for my friends,

  • Donna who has kept me in her thoughts and prayers and has kept me in a steady stream of postcards and notes and love.
  • SS for taking good care of my special little friends and for supporting and encouraging me.
  • A., who was invaluable at keeping me in one piece all spring and summer.
  • L., who has been a loving and supportive friend.

I am thankful for my treatment friends who are constantly supporting me, loving me and deeply understanding my pain and how hard it is to heal.  And who remind me that I am worth recovery.

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And I am thankful for Team Heidi. Really, I cannot thank them enough for their support which has gone above and beyond anything I ever expected.  Team Heidi held me up when I had nothing left to keep myself up. Team Heidi kept me safe with persistence and commitment.  And Team Heidi gave me the support to pack myself up and travel across the country for treatment.

I am thankful for Hilltop Team Heidi.  The support of this team has helped me learn things about myself that I never knew and showed me I have strength I didn’t know I have.  Trauma work is a bitch, and I have had multiple teams here that I have trusted enough to do the work and keep focused on my recovery.  And even though I am one of many people they treat each year, I feel like they actually care about me.

I am thankful for the first treatment center I went to this year, for re-feeding me and getting me medically stable.

I am thankful for the woman who took me into her home and lets me stay here for very little “rent” thus helping me be able to stay for treatment as long as I need to.  I also appreciate her kindness and companionship.

I am thankful for the UU I found and the support of my Pastoral Care person (whose house I am going to for dinner today.)  It is so nice to be taken in by strangers and treated like I am an old friend.

I am thankful for the little things.

  • This puppy, that makes me absolutely crazy and that give me much joy.
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  • The little magical bits of nature I find:
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Oh! And I am really thankful for finding my way into a yoga studio where I feel safe and cared about and supported with trauma sensitive instructors and financial accommodations.

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Truly, my list could go on and on.  I have much to be thankful for this year.

Now…If I can get myself out of my anxiety and mood funk, which is still following me like sticky dark shadow, I might be able to make it through today without falling apart.  However, I am still really struggling and I am not looking forward to going to programming today (Yes, we have programming on Thanksgiving day) and I am anxious about the dinner I am going to later because I really won’t know anyone there.  But I will try, just for today, to cut myself some slack.  And if that’s too much, then I will just try 5 minutes of grace at a time.  And if that doesn’t work….well…I can only do the best that I can do.