I started with Art Therapy yesterday. I did some painting, which felt really good. We talked about my eating and at the end of the appointment, I left with this summary of what we had covered.
- My eating disorder is rampant right now
- It is directly related to my sexual trauma
- I don’t have any control over the eating disorder right now
As well as Art Therapy, I had an appointment with my Primary Physician yesterday. My doctor’s appointment was pretty stressful. First of all, I had to share with her my therapy summary. Then my doctor began talking more seriously about inpatient/residential treatment for my eating disorder (which I will admit has gotten more restrictive over time, especially in the past week or so) She was going to call and consult with Team Heidi, namely the AT and my PNP. I left the doctor’s office at about 10 and already had a call back from my PNP at 10:50, so evidently my doctor got right on her phone calls. (Though I never connected with my PNP yesterday, I will do so today.)
I don’t know if my doctor got hold of the AT yet.
I left my doctor’s office nearly in tears. The idea of inpatient/residential treatment is really stressful to me…For lots of reasons, but the one that really scares me is that I would have to go far away to get such treatment. As a matter of fact, what my doctor said she really wants for treatment for me is Intensive Outpatient (IOP) treatment. That’s when you just do a day day program of several hours for treatment while still living at home. The problem is, my state doesn’t have any eating disorder treatment centers. None. Zip. Zero. No place for IOP, no place for inpatient. Thus, if I had to go for inpatient treatment, it would have to be some place far away.
My doctor did mention the hospital as an option, but not one that she is at all in favor of. She said she doesn’t think hospitals do a good job treating eating disorders. As a matter of fact, I think (if it comes down to inpatient treatment) she is going to be somewhat fussy as to where I would go. And I mean fussy in a good way….She acknowledged that for a couple of reasons (my age being one) it would really be important to find a place that would be prepared to work with me/a good fit for me.
The whole conversation had me kind of reeling. However, my doctor is doing an amazing job working with me right now. She is sooo understanding and supportive and genuine in her concern. It’s almost like I matter!
In the evening, I talked with dh about my appointment and the idea of inpatient treatment somewhere. His response was basically, “Whatever it takes to get you better. We will make it work.” He also asked me what I felt about the idea….But I didn’t have an answer. I am soo lost about the eating disorder right now….I don’t know what the right thing is to do.
I don’t have very many options given the lack of resources in my state. I already see the AT twice a week…Would it matter if I went three times a week? Would I get better faster? Would I be able to do harder work? Would he even consider the possibility? Other than increasing frequency with him, I don’t see any options for additional support.
It all boils down to this, and I know I have said it before….Will I be able to get my psych shit together (and thus put the eating disorder to rest or at least loosen the strangle-hold it has on me) before my body gives out? And yesterday was a crappy body-day for me. I felt really awful in the morning and then just crummy the rest of the day. Today, so far, I just feel kind of crummy.
Knitting with L
The good thing about yesterday was that after my morning appointments, I went over to my friend, L’s house for a few hours and we knitted and chatted. I really like L and enjoyed getting together with her. We chatted a lot about my doctor appointment as well as about our kids and of course, about knitting. 🙂
I got a few more stripes done on the blanket square (I am still undecided about that new baby sweater, so I am ignoring it at the moment) but I was moving really slowly and my brain was not at all cooperating to be productive. I also tried to repair a project her daughter had done that had a couple of places where she had dropped stitches. Now, I have dropped many stitches in my years knitting and I know exactly how to ladder them up to the edge to be fixed. But yesterday? It was just baffling to me. I kept doing it wrong and then redoing it wrong and redoing it wrong. I just could not get my brain to work and I could not get my problem solving skills kicked into gear to see what I was doing wrong. Eventually, I just gave up.
L, on the other hand, made some real progress with finishing a sweater she is making for her daughter. It is gorgeous. The yarn she chose is beautiful, the pattern on the chest is beautiful…The whole thing is just gorgeous! She has been working on it for years and now all she has to do is set in the sleeves and seam them up. She’s nearly done!
Today, I will knit some, but I have declared it a sewing day and I am going to start (and hopefully finish) the little dog’s coat.