I think mornings are just going to be hard…but maybe not just the mornings. I woke up again profoundly sad and depressed and just feeling discouraged and hopeless. Yesterday, I shook it off until the end of the day, when I was done with programming and errands and everything. It seems like as long as I am busy and distracted, I can push the feelings away…but as soon as I am un-occupied, the feelings are there, gnawing at me. And I feel empty and alone.
Food Dye Won’t Kill You
I had my weekly nutrition appointment yesterday and my Dietitian was talking to me about my stuck-point of orthorexic thinking. Evidently, my rigid stand on no food dyes, no artificial sweeteners, no high sugar/high fat/highly processed foods is another way my eating disorder is active. At first, I really chafed at this idea….but then some things happened that made me realize that yes, I fall under the orthorexic category. (I didn’t come up with this on my own…The first week I was in PHP, I was called out on orthoroexic behavior twice.)
The way I measure if my behavior is ED related is by my response to it. If you set a bright red tortilla chip (full of red food dye) in front of my and I immediately want to cry and my anxiety sky-rockets…Yup, it’s ED. Also, my inconsistency of what is safe and not safe with artificial stuff in foods also is an indicator. So…yup. I engage in orthorexic behavior.
Of course, as with many of my other ED behaviors, my Dietitian and Anxiety Therapist are working hard to dissuade me of the need for the behaviors and help me to work through them…It is a painful process.
Yesterday, my Dietitian got down to some reality about my orthorexic thinking. She said, “Food dye isn’t going to kill you. Maybe it will take a day off the end of your life, if even that. But your eating disorder is going to kill you.” She said the same thing last week, but I didn’t hear her last week, as in the message fell on unwilling ears. Yesterday…that message gave me pause. Food dye won’t kill me, but my eating disorder will. Food dye won’t kill me, but my eating disorder will.
This is the thought that I am mulling over right now. Kind of sobering, isn’t it? The question is, will it sink in or not. Or…maybe the question is, how long will it take to sink in? I dunno. The problem is that I respond well to logical thinking…Until the noise of the eating disorder gets loud and sways me to the disordered thinking. Overall, the ED has been much quieter, but it is still present and it still is constantly muttering about my treatment choices and that I still need to engage in ED behaviors to be safe and happy, even though the reality is that my ED will kill me.