I am doing well….Really, I am in a good place right now but I am aware of the fact that I have only been home for 11 days. With therapy and couples therapy (more on that later) things are getting hard. Now, I am weathering it okay so far and hope to keep doing so….But I am kind of nervous about it.
Monday, I saw my doctor and she took one look at how well I was doing and suggested that we no longer need to meet weekly, but could schedule every other week. I said I thought we should at least keep my next week’s appointment and then look at it from there.
Yesterday, I talked to my Blue Cross case manager and she was very happy to hear how well I am doing. She suggested after our next check-in phone call in two weeks that we could “close” my case because I’ll have met all my goals. She did say we could see how I was doing and then go from there.
How am I feeling about all of this? Well….really scared. Support has been part of what has kept me on track. Without all the support I got in the spring, I surely would have been much sicker. I am hesitant to decrease support now, especially since I just barely go home. I feel a little bit abandoned. I will say that it might make sense to finish with my case manager as if I have met my goals in terms of my work with her, then I won’t need the support. I do get that. But my doctor? I don’t know. Is taking away support a step in the right direction? Or a set up for failure? Luckily, I have until next Monday to think about it and then I can talk to her about how I am feeling.
Now, as to couple’s therapy….Dh and I have been doing couple’s therapy since February and it has been incredibly helpful. But one of the things I need to work on is sex issues because I struggle because of my trauma history. Although I have talked a little bit with our therapist about this, it had not come up in a session yet. Until yesterday. Week two of being home and seeing him and he dove right in to “intimacy.” It was really hard for me and I am still kind of reeling from it. When one of the first questions was about if dh and I are having intercourse, well….I knew the discussion was going to push me past my tolerance level. And it did, so we talked about some aspects of intimacy, but not about sex. After the session, I felt like I needed therapy with the AT to process it all. Alas, I don’t see the AT until tomorrow morning, so my job is to hold myself together and not use eating disorder behaviors to deal with my feelings.
There is going to be a running theme in my blog, which will be how to manage life without relying on the eating disorder to manage my feelings. This is my job now: learning and using healthy coping strategies.
And on a side note…I had a really strong compulsion to paint with watercolors yesterday, but didn’t allow myself time to do it. What’s up with that?