Breaking the Rules
So, I have been desperate to go on a walk. Not an exercise walk, but a nature walk kind of walk. Currently, I am not allowed. I just got approved for movement this week which only allows yoga and NIA. Walks aren’t allowed and it would be forever until I was allowed a solo walk anyway.
Today we were at another site for “Family Week” (more on that later and no, I don’t have any family here for family week). The other site has two buildings with a long walking path between. We were not allowed to walk the path, we had to take a shuttle back and forth. But one of my peers walked on the path even though she wasn’t supposed to. And she got a Non Compliance for it.
That’s when I realized….If I walked around the driveway loop by myself, all I would get is a non-compliance? Really? I can get two non-compliances without affecting my privileges, the third cuts me from the outings. Now, I once said I didn’t care about the outings, but really, I do. So, I have been trying to stay compliant enough to not be cut from the outings. That means I could do two loop walks a week! Two! The temptation is almost too much to bear.
I wish my peer hadn’t talked about this particular non-compliant act because it had never occurred to me to just say “fuck it” and walk anyway.
But….There is a snag. Meg has been really respectful of my need to be outdoors and earlier this week, we did half a therapy session outdoors. It was delightful. And then yesterday, I had therapy at the other site with Meg and we were in this office with a huge window that looked out into the trees and Meg commented on the nature view. So, she gets it. She heard what I was saying and gets my need and has tried to support it. As always, I am kind of bewildered by her response as it is so foreign to me. But she is being respectful of me and my needs.
So, I feel like I would be being disrespectful I just threw the rules out and went on a walk. I hate having high moral standards. I guess I will keep the idea of non-compliant walks in my back pocket, just in case.
Speaking of therapy, we have been doing more and more IFS work. It is fascinating and I am getting a better understanding of myself. It is also kind of involved and confusing work but that is why I have Meg to help me through it. I am learning lots more about myself though and what makes me behave the way I do. Recognizing that is the first step to changing, right?
I haven’t said much about the social dynamics for the past few days because it has settled down some. Things have still been a bit topsy-turvy as we got three new admits in a very short amount of time and now the place is at max capacity. But the new admits are settling in and there seems to be a lot less colluding going on.
The downside to so many new people and the place being at max capacity and the high demands of some of the clients is that it has been harder to get support from direct care. I feel a little bit lost in the shuffle and kind of disappointed. Like, I had talked about sharing something with my favorite direct care person, but she has been too busy. I try to console myself by saying it’s not really important anyway. But I am not sure I feel better. What I really wish is that I hadn’t gotten attached to her because if I didn’t care, then I wouldn’t be disappointed.
Let’s see…What else…
I don’t know, I feel totally drained. That seems par for the course here. But I am barely holding it together. I had to do a lot of faking it yesterday to make it through the first day of family week, and it used up a lot of my reserves. This morning, I just feel overwhelmingly depressed. I don’t know how I am going to make it through two more days of family week.