Yesterday, a treatment friend and I got together to run a couple of errands. As she was driving, she commented that she and some of my peers were concerned about me. She explained that basically, she had been nominated as the one to talk to me about how I had not been myself and have been overly sensitive and defensive lately. And that my level of defensiveness was akin to when they had been with me in residential treatment in July and August.
Of course, I have known that I am falling apart and been a miserable mess. This isn’t news to me. I just didn’t realize that it was showing up as me being super defensive. Of course, her talking to me about it made me….Defensive. But I tried really hard to listen to her because I know she was coming from a place of concern. Basically, the whole rest of our errands, I tried not to burst into tears and I felt profoundly depressed and damaged. I also felt embarrassed and now I know everyone is watching me and every move I make is being filed away.
This morning, I had therapy which was hard. I get tired of everything being hard all the time and I get tired of crying. I do like my new therapist and I think I am adjusting to her. I think it might be easier to trust her than I expected. I have mixed feelings about this as it doesn’t feel safe. But she seems safe, so maybe I should just roll with it.
I also saw my dietitian and much to my relief, the appointment went really, really well. I am so glad because I don’t know if I could handle much more upheaval. Not only did it go well, but we discussed an issue I had regarding calorie counting over the weekend and she was very kind and compassionate and offered me an opportunity to do the next right thing…which I did. We even ended the appointment with a hug! (She asked and I accepted.)
The rest of programming, I was hyper-aware of myself in the groups. I was careful with what I said. Oh…and I ended up having to present in a group, which I totally didn’t expect. (Someone else was supposed to present, but wasn’t prepared.) I picked a nice safe piece to read, an optimistic piece, so that the feedback wouldn’t be stressful and so that I wouldn’t be put in a place where I would be defensive. Was that the best choice? I don’t think I’ll answer that. Of course, I didn’t really have much else to share, so it kind of was what it was, iykwim.
My therapist seems to think that I have a problem interacting with/in the group. She probably is basing this on things that I said and my behavior over the weekend…I have to think about it some because she wants me to check-in during a group about it, which I am loathe to do. More on the group interaction issue tomorrow. Tonight, I need to work on some homework before bed.