Decreasing Support

I am doing well….Really, I am in a good place right now but I am aware of the fact that I have only been home for 11 days.  With therapy and couples therapy (more on that later) things are getting hard.  Now, I am weathering it okay so far and hope to keep doing so….But I am kind of nervous about it.

Monday, I saw my doctor and she took one look at how well I was doing and suggested that we no longer need to meet weekly, but could schedule every other week.  I said I thought we should at least keep my next week’s appointment and then look at it from there.

Yesterday, I talked to my Blue Cross case manager and she was very happy to hear how well I am doing.  She suggested after our next check-in phone call in two weeks that we could “close” my case because I’ll have met all my goals.  She did say we could see how I was doing and then go from there.

How am I feeling about all of this?  Well….really scared.  Support has been part of what has kept me on track. Without all the support I got in the spring, I surely would have been much sicker.  I am hesitant to decrease support now, especially since I just barely go home.  I feel a little bit abandoned.  I will say that it might make sense to finish with my case manager as if I have met my goals in terms of my work with her, then I won’t need the support.  I do get that.  But my doctor?  I don’t know.  Is taking away support a step in the right direction? Or a set up for failure?  Luckily, I have until next Monday to think about it and then I can talk to her about how I am feeling.

Now, as to couple’s therapy….Dh and I have been doing couple’s therapy since February and it has been incredibly helpful.  But one of the things I need to work on is sex issues because I struggle because of my trauma history.  Although I have talked a little bit with our therapist about this, it had not come up in a session yet.  Until yesterday.  Week two of being home and seeing him and he dove right in to “intimacy.”  It was really hard for me and I am still kind of reeling from it.  When one of the first questions was about if dh and I are having intercourse, well….I knew the discussion was going to push me past my tolerance level.  And it did, so we talked about some aspects of intimacy, but not about sex.  After the session, I felt like I needed therapy with the AT to process it all.  Alas, I don’t see the AT until tomorrow morning, so my job is to hold myself together and not use eating disorder behaviors to deal with my feelings.

There is going to be a running theme in my blog, which will be how to manage life without relying on the eating disorder to manage my feelings.  This is my job now: learning and using healthy coping strategies.

And on a side note…I had a really strong compulsion to paint with watercolors yesterday, but didn’t allow myself time to do it.  What’s up with that?

Almost There? and Family and Friends and Team Heidi

Almost There?

This process of getting into The Facility has been amazingly consuming.  It sucks up lots and lots of time, lots of energy and lots of time from various members of Team Heidi.  I think we will all be glad when the process is done.

Yesterday, I spent half the afternoon juggling emails with the admissions coordinator, phone calls with the intake gal and also with my insurance case manager.  Oh…plus emails to my nutritionist as the facility needs medical documentation of my need for a gluten free diet.  Remember earlier this week, I made a list of loose ends to work on?  I have not had time to do any of it.  Seriously, every spare moment has been focused on getting my ducks in a row to get to the facility.

So…Here’s where it stands right now:

  • I still need the nutritionist to fax over her last note for GF documentation. She says she will do it first thing Monday morning.
  • I listed both dh and I as guarantors for the facility. I had my financial phone call yesterday and Monday they will call dh and apprise him as to the finances.
  • The medical team at The Facility had not finished reviewing my medical paperwork by end of day Friday. Hopefully, that will be completed on Monday.
  • The admission coordinator is working to get my visit pre-authorized so there are no surprises when I get there.
  • My case manager is working to get my visit pre-authorized so there are no surprises when I get there.
  • I don’t have an admission date yet, but once the medical review is done, I should get a date (this is probably going to happen on Monday)

The preauthorization of insurance is really important.  Just because the facility accepted me at a residential level doesn’t necessarily mean my insurance will concur with the level of care needed…They likely will, but there is no guarantee. I need to know ahead of time because no coverage will mean no residential treatment for me.  Residential treatment is…you might want to sit down for this….$2600 per day.  Yup….Crazy expensive.  So, there’s no way we could pay for it out of pocket…our pockets simply aren’t that deep!

I found out the daily cost during my financial phone call.  She wanted to know if my insurance ran out, would it be feasible to continue any treatment paying out of pocket?  Then she dropped the daily rate.  Ummmm….no…that is not at all feasible. As a matter of fact, dh and I have already discussed a contingency plan for what to do if insurance cuts me off with minimal notice (which can happen).  It involves a hotel and/or a train.  Either way, it will be cheaper than $2600!!!

Yesterday, I ran an errand to get a few things I will need to take with me.  I am planning on packing simply and light.  I did have one splurge (one item that I don’t need for the trip, but really want to have to make myself more comfortable when I am there).  I loved the fleece I made the little dog’s coats out of.  I really, really wanted to get some to put on top of my bed as a bed spread to be cheerful and remind me of home.  I gambled that JoAnn’s would still have some fleece left.  I was not disappointed.

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Now…I just have to say that the color is not quite right in this picture. For some reason, I can’t get a photo that accurately represents the color.  It is much more of what I would call a Hawaiian blue, more cheerful.  But at least you can get an idea.

I am going to cut off the selvages and ends with my pinking shears and that will be the extent of my edging for it.  Quick and easy!

I have started making a pile of things I am taking.  The process has started.

The Family

So, dh is taking all of this really well.  He is doing whatever he can to support me.  Yesterday, he told his boss and professor (he is taking an art history class this semester) that he has an upcoming trip and why.  They were both very understanding about it.

Ds appears to have adjusted already…He is a pretty resilient sort of critter.  Hmmm….wonder where he gets that from!  🙂

Friends

My friends have been super supportive for which I am appreciative.  A is actually coming over this afternoon to see me before I go.  L has gone off to another country for a class, but had been very supportive right up until she left…I am sure she is still being supportive…Just not in an IM kind of way.

SS…she has been awesome a well.  She has a lot on her hands at the moment.  I actually have been worried about her.  Poor little Miss Blossom contracted a nasty upper respiratory virus that tends to prey on preemie babies. They have been at the hospital all week.  Blossom got sicker and had to go into the pediatric ICU a couple of days ago. But…she has started to perk up and appears to be (slowly) on the mend.  And yet, even with all that going one, we have been in frequent communication via IM.

Team Heidi

The AT and my PNP have been kindly fielding my bouts of panic.  I have been needing more “after hours” support over the past week and they have both been more than willing to give it to me.  I worry that I am asking too much time from them…Hopefully, pretty soon I will be gone and not bugging them anymore.  Do you think they will miss me when I am gone?