Tenuous Improvement

It is possible that the edge has been taken off of my depression.  I always hate this part of relief from my depression, because I never know if it is actually going to last.  It is frustrating because I had felt such a substantial decrease in my depression over the past few months that this exacerbation has been really hard.  And…as I start to feel better, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Will I continue to feel better? Will I crash again?  How soon will I crash again?  It’s like I can’t have hope that feeling better may last.  I also think that the improvement is so delicate that it would take very little to push me right back down.

My PTSD was active again over the weekend, but not as bad as it had been.  One of my peers actually asked about it yesterday, and I felt really touched.  Like…she actually heard how much I was struggling and cared enough to check in with me about it.  It kind of made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Grace would probably use that interaction to illustrate the point that connecting with people is good for me…But one positive interaction with one peer does not prove the point.  Mostly, I just can’t accept what my peers say as supportive.  I mean, I have been doing this group therapy stuff so long now that I have heard the support over and over again.  Lots of it is just words with no follow-through.  And at this point, the support just never makes me feel better.  So, why bother?  And Grace doesn’t listen to me when I tell her there’s no point in talking about my struggles in group.  She has some very strong ideas about me needing connection.  I have some very strong ideas about it too.  If you can imagine, our ideas are kind of at each end of the spectrum.

Truthfully, connection just doesn’t seem safe to me.  I don’t want to put myself out there, I don’t want to be vulnerable, I don’t want to be disappointed.  Shit…that’s probably just me stuck in old patterns and then reinforcing them with my stubborness fear of being disappointed and hurt.

Today, programming doesn’t start until 3. I am feeling the loneliness of the before-programming-time already and it is only 8:30.  This is the depression litmus test.  Either I will start to feel like shit or I will hold my own until 3.  I do have an errand to run because my nutritionist wants me to add some cookies into my meal plan.  Cookies!!!  I think she is trying to kill me via my anxiety!

Come to think, I have two little projects started (projects make me very happy) and maybe I can get a couple of supplies while I am out to keep working on them. I also have homework to do today…That will keep my mind occupied too.  I am working on my treatment challenges/goals/objectives for the next month and I also have three writing pieces to do: What is the status of my body image right now?, What do I need both internally and externally while doing trauma work? and How does denying I have needs keep me stuck?

Yikes!  So much processing to do.  It is overwhelming just writing it down.

Ugh…The Awful Book and My Other Homework and And The Rest Of The Day…

Ugh…The Awful Book!

I read the book.  I can now look the Nutritionist in the eye and say that I did my homework.  I will say, that having an better understanding of the Internal Family Systems model did help me get through the book…And I think I understand the theory differently now, but I still contend that it is a muddy and poorly written book and the illustrations trivialize the message and some are just plain offensive to me.

And in terms of introducing IFS to the lay-person…I don’t think so.

And in terms of giving it to someone with an eating disorder as a reading assignment…I found it a huge turn-off that the book represented the subpersonality of food and eating as “Happy Pig.”  Really?  Is the lack of sensitivity in this representation just me being over sensitive, or does it seem a poor choice?

DSCN1485

I would have liked a bit more of a theoretical analysis/intellectual kind of book.  And some empirical data to support the validity of the data and techniques being presented.  And I would have liked to see a little bit less of the author’s personal experiences used as examples.

Will I share any of this with the Nutritionist? Nope.  I will smile and nod and say I read it and that it wasn’t the best fit for me.  I might ask her what main points she thought would be of benefit to me…But I don’t have enough trust with her to offer a critical opinion.

My Other Homework

I had Art Therapy homework too….And I am really, really reluctant to take it in and show him.  What he asked me to do and what wanted doing do not match up…I feel very vulnerable about it.  I also feel pretty guarded because I know I did the wrong thing.  I feel all anxious and jittery about showing him.  And I can tell you this, I won’t be able to look him in the eye because I will feel embarrassed and feel like he is going to judge me.

Okay…I am now going to remind myself that therapy is my safety zone.  I can be me…I can be the me that I don’t let myself be anywhere else, I don’t have to pretend that everything is okay, I can show that things are messy in my brain.  It is okay. He will not judge. Safety zone. Safety zone. Safety zone.

And The Rest Of The Day…

Nutritionist appointment.  I am doomed.  Except for one day, I met my goal.  But…I still ate way too few calories each day and I still lost a chunk of weight. (Which doesn’t necessarily bother me…but again, I know did the wrong thing according to her goals and I will be stressed about it.)

Primary Physician appointment.  Still doomed, please refer to prior doomed-ness.  And…she gave me an eating challenge when I saw her on Friday and I failed with it.  So, I am double-doomed.

I think today is going to suck.