Mood Crash

I am depressed.  I hope this is exacerbation is short because I haven’t felt this depressed in a while.  I just want give up on everything and go home.  Trauma? I can just say I don’t have any. Eating disorder? I am sure it is fine (if you ignore this past weekend when I wasn’t feeling well.)  I don’t need the therapy and programming here, I can be fine without it.  I just want to go home where everything is normal.  I can try to keep myself together without relapsing.  I mean, I have to go home at some point? Right?

Last week, I told my therapist that I had high flight urges and she told me she was glad I hadn’t left.  But she doesn’t even know me….Why/how is she glad?

Ugh.  I just want to run away.

Did you know that I have stopped crying?  I just can’t let myself cry anymore.  This concerns me because I feel like I am moving backwards.  I didn’t shed a tear when I left all my friends at PHP.  I didn’t shed a tear when I said good-bye to Kyla or to my self-assigned adjunct therapist, Callie.  Nope. No tears anymore.  I am done with feeling.

I am so tired inside.  I just want to numb it all.

This weekend was hard too because I had a lot of intrusive thoughts and flashbacks.  And something I found very disturbing was that some of my intrusive thoughts were from other people’s stories.  I have heard some pretty awful stories of other people’s trauma here.  I mean, things that you just would never fathom would happen to people.  Can I be traumatized by other people’s stories?  And why now?  Why am I coming unglued now?

And I feel so much pressure from the IOP program right now.  We are supposed to find a job, get a volunteer position or take some sort of class within three weeks of starting IOP.  I have applied to three jobs and not heard back.  The volunteering that I would most like to do is human services (like hospice) but those programs require background checks and training and by the time I got through all that, I would be pretty much done here.  Classes?  I was told they could be as simple as classes at Michael’s….but they all cost money and require supplies that cost more money.  The best I have done is found some programming at some local libraries, like Knit Night kind of things…But that doesn’t help occupy my time during the days….And I feel this incredible pressure because now I have two weeks left and no leads.

And I can’t handle any of it anymore.  None.

This is not a good Monday.


I’m not gonna lie.  I am super depressed.  It hits me most in the mornings and evening when I have no distractions.  I am weary and dead-inside.  I struggle to get out of bed and function.  I can’t make simple decisions, like what to wear.  I am overwhelmed.  The evenings are barely better.  I feel hollow and empty and try to convince myself that brushing my teeth is a good idea.  I put on my pajamas and crawl into bed…My mind slowly drifts across the day (not in an obsessive/anxiety sort of way) and I wish I was dead and intrusive thoughts break into my quietness and then I fall asleep.

Daytime is better.  We are so busy here and there is really no way to be disengaged.  I do the work I need to do, I smile at my peers and the support staff, I deflect my sadness with humor.  I am not faking it too well though.  When I am distracted from the busy-ness, my affect changes.  I know this, because I have had a few people approach me in such moments and ask if I am okay.  Mostly, I say that I am just tired.  To some, I have said I am depressed.  Feeling depressed is run-of-the-mill here, so it is an honest answer, but sort of meaningless.  I have not told anyone how depressed I am.  Or that I am struggling to maintain function and to not cry all the time.  (Although, crying is run-of-the-mill as well…so it wouldn’t look any different than any other day.)

I even can tell you why I am depressed.  Last week, Kyla had my write a trauma narrative from when I was 4.  It has stirred up lots of stuff.  She had me read her the narrative and I omitted stuff from it when I read it, which I told her.  She gave me the assignment of highlighting the omitted stuff before the next session.  And I didn’t do it.  She reassigned it.  I didn’t do it. She reassigned it on Monday.  And I did it. And I added to the narrative and I hunted down something I had written and given to the AT in May.  And I hate all of it.  So, the depression has settled around me, like a tarry blanket.  I feel broken and sad and like I am being swallowed into a dark hole.  It’s no wonder that I am tired all the time, I am working hard to maintain my day affect.

So, here I am.  Depressed.

The depression makes me not want to eat.  Supposedly, I am going to be moved to Level 2 today, giving me more autonomy with my meals. I have been waiting for this “promotion,” but right now, I feel like the timing is poor and I will struggle to do what I need to do with my meals.  I have already thought of 101 ways to get around eating what I am supposed to when I am moved to Level 2.  I am frustrated that I think this way, frustrated that I might use the autonomy to work the system.  Disappointed that I can’t shake the ED thinking.

I just don’t know.  I have therapy at 11 this morning.  I am supposed to read the damn narrative again.  But I won’t.  I feel stubborn about it.  Or scared…I guess really, I feel scared and so I want to put up every wall  I can to not have to read it.  However, I may get around it because there are a few things that I actually do need to discuss with Kyla that are not the narrative, but that are becoming pressing issues.  Mind you, she can spot distraction behavior a mile away, so I don’t know what I will be able to get away with, but I do have some other things to talk about that are totally legit.





Worse?! and March Journaling

Wow…Just when I think, “How could I feel any worse?”  I have a day like yesterday.  It was ugly.

I finally broke down and emailed the AT, here is what I said:

This is being a really, really bad day.  I am pretty much going minute by minute to keep myself from [self-harming]…Telling myself things like, “You are expecting a phone call after breakfast, you can [self-harm] after that.” and “Just write letters to the twins first and you can [self-harm] after that.”  So far, I have made it without [self-harming], though I am kind of obsessed with the idea.
But…what is really getting to me is an intrusive thought.  It is a PTSD related thought that I used to have all the time, and then didn’t for a few years…And it has started up again and every time I am not thinking about something else, it pops into my head. 
It is exhausting me to constantly be putting off [self-harming] and trying to keep my brain busy to keep out the intrusive though.  I feel like I can’t keep it all up.  
Do you have any advice at all about dealing with the intrusive thought?  I think I am managing the [self-harming] okay, and  though it is really tiring, I know the urge will pass eventually.  But the intrusive thought…I don’t know how to stop it from disrupting me.  
My plan at the moment is to go outside and do some chores, which will keep me busy for a while and won’t leave room for the intrusive thought and it will keep me from perseverating about [self-harming].  But I can’t do chores forever. 😦
The AT responded with an idea for me to draw a representation of the intrusive thought, seal it in an envelope and bring it to him on Monday and in the in between time, to just let go of the intrusive thought.  So, I was pretty skeptical about it, but I did it anyway. And you know what?  So far, the intrusive thought has been rattling inside the envelope, but has stayed out of my head!  That AT…he has some good ideas!
And then…In that way that happens where you see just what you need at the right time, one of my Renfrew alumni friends posted this on Facebook.  So fitting for my day yesterday!
March Journaling


I finally figured out who the OTR is. She is the one that teaches the Life Skills classes (Of course! It is a function-based class on interacting with people.)


Today, a girl, A, was chatting with me in the hall.  She said that I am an inspiration.  I was really touched and also a bit surprised by her comment. Me? And inspiration?

And yesterday during Community Meeting, Glitter H said that I am really supportive and kind and basically a great member of the community.  I was—I don’t know—I kind of felt all, “Ah shucks.” And then today I told Glitter H that she is awesome and she told me I am awesome too.  And I looked at her.  And she said, “If you aren’t ready to believe it, then I will hold it for you and when you are ready to believe it, I will give it back to you.” ❤ ❤ ❤

There is another young woman here, G.  She is sick.  Some of the girls here are sooo sick. She cries a lot, I know because she is my suitemate.  I have been trying to connect with her and have been repeatedly rebuffed. She was crying in the hall yesterday and I said, “I know you are going to say no, but do you want a hug?”  And much to my surprise, she said “Yes.” I gave her a big hug and I could pretty much feel every bone in her body and every vertebra.

Anyway, this girl is an amazing artist. She does these delicate watercolors of trees.  It is hard to explain why they touch me so much, but I love them.