I have not left my house since I got home except go to to appointments and maybe twice to the grocery store with dh. Yesterday, dh and I had an official outing. <Ack> We went out to lunch and then to downtown where we ate frozen yogurt and then stopped at a couple of shops.
Here were the things that were challenging to me:
- Being in public
- Eating in public
- The Public
- Eating frozen yogurt
- Being downtown as it was mobbed with people because it was Saturday and sunny and mild-ish
(Yes, my social anxiety is still pretty prevalent.)
I did not have trouble meeting my meal plan exchanges We had sushi for lunch. I got my protein from steamed edamame, and carbs and veg from my vegetarian sushi rolls. I still needed a dairy and fruit after the sushi and frozen yogurt counts as a dairy. So, we went to a frozen yogurt place downtown where I got a frozen yogurt and topped it with fresh fruit, thus meeting both my dairy and fruit exchanges. And though I am loathe to admit it, the frozen yogurt was really good.
All in all, it was actually a decent outing. I had a nice time with dh and yes, I will even admit, it was good to get out of the house. I am aware that I have been isolated and I am aware that isolating is not a good thing for me.
The days here just don’t get any easier. I have stopped telling the new girls that it gets easier. Now, I tell them it gets less hard, but even that is a joke. And asking people if they are okay is a pointless question. No one is okay. No one, not ever. It just is too hard all the time. All the time. Instead, I need to ask if people need support or if there is anything I can do to help.
Yesterday was a terrible day. Stupid dining room drama, like high school, over saving seats, stupid roommate interference and crazy homesickness (induced by the cold weather.) The torture just went on and on and on. I did get lots of support from my peers and I used a counselor for support too. It was helpful.
But today, I just feel depressed, like I have been overdone, just completely fried. I just want to stop feeling everything and my thoughts have travelled to wishing I was dead.
I wish I liked my therapist better. I wish the AT was here. I wish I had some support from a familiar person. I feel alone today and empty and tired.
My PTSD was triggered in a class today. I wasn’t expecting that. Of course, I didn’t say anything to anyone at the time, I just shrugged it off and kept going. Really, I didn’t just shrug it off, I just crammed it down in the recesses and made it go away.
[This is a response to a prompt we were given in a therapeutic writing class]
I am still here and despite years upon years of trying to wall myself off from the rest of the world, of pretending to have a different exterior person who shrugs off hurt and pain and sorrow…Despite all of that, I am still here.
I am tender and vulnerable and I feel damaged beyond fixing. The threads holding me together are brittle and fraying, but I am still here. And maybe I don’t even know it yet, but maybe even under that strung together, damaged me is even another more tender more vulnerable me.
I am still here. I know this because I can sometimes feel a tiny ember of hope. And I keep trying to nurture that fire and feel its warmth and light.
I am still here, raw, imperfect, broken, but no longer completely alone. Because in finding kindred spirits, I have realized that maybe it is okay to be me, to be here and to accept myself where I am at.
Maybe, just maybe, I can let go of “I am still here.” And allow, “I AM here.”