Not Doing Well

I am totally drowning right now.  Seriously, I cannot handle this transition.  I am losing my shit completely.  I knew the transition would be hard, but did not have any idea that it would be this hard.  I am empty and depressed and scared and hopeless.  And I am already restricting.  Yup.  I am such a failure.  I am so ashamed that I can’t even talk to anyone about the fact that I am struggling this much. So, I sit here, in tears, just wishing I was dead.  Struggling with restricting when given more meal autonomy is probably not surprising to my clinicians, and I am sure that even though I will get in trouble for doing it, it is a way to “practice” the skills that I need to overcome the urges, but I just feel like a complete and utter failure.

I don’t know how anyone recovers from an eating disorder.  I have no fucking idea.  I am not the only one at PHP (partial hosp) struggling with urges and/or actively using symptoms. Is it even possible to recover?

I guess the only thing I have right now is the knowledge that it is okay to struggle and I am only barely restricting and that I know it is about having control.  If I can remind myself of my goals and am honest with my clinicians maybe I can catch this before it takes off.

Oh…and speaking of clinicians, Kyla has earned her first strike.  I saw her for the initial appointment on Thursday and she was supposed to check in with me yesterday to see how I am doing.  And she forgot.  I was sitting at the table and saw her come up the stairs, keys in hand, and go right out the door.  And I felt like every single thing I have ever felt about being worthless was proved true.  Honestly, I was devastated.  Now, I feel like I can’t trust her.  She is not supposed to forget me, she is not supposed to make me feel worse about myself and anything she says about caring about me or supporting me (cuz they always say that) is bullshit.  There is no way I am going to let my guard down around her.

She did actually email later in the day and apologize for forgetting me.  And asked what she could do to support me….but I feel like that ship has already sailed.  However, I worked really hard to set my anger and disappointment aside and respond to her email with some “I” statements and reflections of my feelings.  I figured that even though I likely will never trust her, I ought to at least make an effort, especially since she did email me.

Anyway, for what it’s worth…Here’s what I said:

I really want to be snarky and passive aggressive in my response to you….And I am struggling to set that part aside so I can respond from a more Self oriented kind of place….We’ll see how that goes.

Yes, I noticed that you forgot to check in.  I am very unhappy about it because it just reinforces a bunch of my core beliefs and I feel abandoned and it puts a huge kink in the whole trust-building thing.  I already hated the whole process of transitioning from [Meg] and now I just feel like giving up completely.
I am not sure there is anything you can do to support me right now.  I am miserable and struggling and at the moment, I just want to quit PHP and go home.  I am barely managing my ED urges and I forgot to have morning snack today (It was an honest error….I don’t know if you will actually believe that, but it is true.) which has caused my restriction urges to surge.  I feel like I am hanging on by a thread, but that thread is unraveling and about to break.
I know transitions are hard for me and I want to cut myself some slack, but I just can’t.  This process should be easier and I am not sure why I can’t do it right.  At this point, I just hate everything about me and being here.
So….That’s what is going on with me right now.
Oh, and for the record, I may want to quit PHP and go home, but I won’t actually do it.  I am trying really hard to actually get on the path to recovery, and I know going home would not be a sound choice.
And even though I am mad (i.e. hurt) about you forgetting me, I am glad you emailed.  It saved me from spending the weekend convinced that you hate me.
I don’t know…Maybe I was too honest?  I feel kind of unsure about having actually sent that email.   Of course, I feel unsure about everything.
And as to my comment about forgetting snack, it is actually true that I genuinely forgot. Snack is different in PHP, in that you do it within a certain time range, but everyone doesn’t sit down together and no-one announces it is snack time.  In residential, it is more structured and evidently, I haven’t quite adjusted to the new system yet.  And yes, it was the strong restricting urges after snack, combined with some issues about my meal plan and my shame about eating that led to the restricting.  And like I said, it was only super mild restricting, “invisible restricting” so hopefully, I can nip it in the bud today.  As long as I don’t let the shame, self-loathing and feelings of failure consume me, I think I have a fighting chance. Actually, that sounds far too optimistic for what I am actually feeling…But maybe I can convince myself it is true?

Another Year: Endings And Beginnings

DSCN1364

Another Year: Endings And Beginnings

While I was sleeping last night, the old Solar Year ended and the New Solar year began, though we will not see it for another couple of hours yet, when the sun rises.

I am really glad to see last year gone…But not all of it.  There are parts of last year that I want to carry with me into this year and beyond.

The hard part of last year was my depression…And though I have had worse years with my depression, until 2015, I had never felt crushed by such hopelessness and end-of-my-ropeness.  When I started the year, I had pretty nearly given up completely.  And the year continued to challenge me.  I don’t think I have ever felt as suicidal as I did this year.  I felt so suicidal, that at times I scared myself….And I have been in my head a long time…It takes a lot to scare me!  And paired with the suicidal thoughts were thoughts of self-harm and an occasional self-harming action or two.  Not a good year.

But all of the bad brought a lot of good to me.  First of all, I am still here.  And I am in one piece.  The resilience that I was sure was failing me….I still have it!  And it feels stronger as I end the year than when I started.

I have grown closer to dh as I open myself up more and more…I think I have finally figured out that he loves me no matter what and that my depression is not going to push him away.  It only took me twenty years to figure that out…But the fact that I got there is pretty huge for me.

I have rekindled friendships this year and started a new one.  I like having friends!  When I first became depressed, friends were the first thing to go.  I just couldn’t hack it.  But now, I really look forward to seeing and talking to my friends.  And I feel lucky because the friends I have right now, the “real” friends, they know about me, the Real Me, and they still accept me. This kind of boggles my mind…But I am going to just accept it and let it inspire thoughts like, “Maybe I am okay just the way I am.”

And of course, one of the biggest “goods” that came out of this year was the development of Team Heidi.  The AT, my PNP, my Yoga Instructor and the Nutritionist.  Every time I turn around, one of them is there reminding me that I am strong and that I will make it and that I have worth.  I don’t always see these things for myself so it is really nice to have frequent encouragement.  Plus, they all share the same goal as me, they want to see me as a happy and whole person who can enjoy her life and manage the ups-and-downs without crashing.

I had no idea that I would be building such a team.  Nor did I have any idea that I would build such a strong team.  They all are passionate about their work and it shows.  And each one has a different approach and perspective, but they complement each other perfectly…Kind of like pieces of a puzzle fitting together.  And I trust and feel safe with each person on my team.

All that “bad” from last year? It brought me an abundance of good. Funny how that works.

So…As the sun rises this morning, and I look ahead to the new Solar year…What do I want?  I have been thinking about this for the past several days….What do I want?

I think what I would really like is to learn that I am safe in the world.  And that I am okay.  And that I do have worth and that I matter.  And I would like to start to like myself and to feel whole and exquisite.  And I would like to take care of myself spiritually.

It seems like a lot to want…And it will not be easy getting to the point where I feel all those things…But I feel like I am finally on the right path and have the right support and the strength and resiliency to get there.  This is such a far cry from the beginning the year when simply being alive was a day to day struggle. But, I am already not the same person that I was a year ago or six months ago.

You know, I think the biggest thing I have been able to awaken over the past year (and this took lots of help and support from Team Heidi) is Hope.  I don’t feel hopeless anymore.  Sure…I have moments of hopelessness. But I don’t feel like my core is full of darkness anymore.  I think a little seed has started to stir inside of me and that if I nurture it just right, it will start to grow.  It kind of makes me feel like hugging myself!  Maybe there is actually hope for me!!!

SolsticeCave2

SolsticeCave