Almost There? and Family and Friends and Team Heidi

Almost There?

This process of getting into The Facility has been amazingly consuming.  It sucks up lots and lots of time, lots of energy and lots of time from various members of Team Heidi.  I think we will all be glad when the process is done.

Yesterday, I spent half the afternoon juggling emails with the admissions coordinator, phone calls with the intake gal and also with my insurance case manager.  Oh…plus emails to my nutritionist as the facility needs medical documentation of my need for a gluten free diet.  Remember earlier this week, I made a list of loose ends to work on?  I have not had time to do any of it.  Seriously, every spare moment has been focused on getting my ducks in a row to get to the facility.

So…Here’s where it stands right now:

  • I still need the nutritionist to fax over her last note for GF documentation. She says she will do it first thing Monday morning.
  • I listed both dh and I as guarantors for the facility. I had my financial phone call yesterday and Monday they will call dh and apprise him as to the finances.
  • The medical team at The Facility had not finished reviewing my medical paperwork by end of day Friday. Hopefully, that will be completed on Monday.
  • The admission coordinator is working to get my visit pre-authorized so there are no surprises when I get there.
  • My case manager is working to get my visit pre-authorized so there are no surprises when I get there.
  • I don’t have an admission date yet, but once the medical review is done, I should get a date (this is probably going to happen on Monday)

The preauthorization of insurance is really important.  Just because the facility accepted me at a residential level doesn’t necessarily mean my insurance will concur with the level of care needed…They likely will, but there is no guarantee. I need to know ahead of time because no coverage will mean no residential treatment for me.  Residential treatment is…you might want to sit down for this….$2600 per day.  Yup….Crazy expensive.  So, there’s no way we could pay for it out of pocket…our pockets simply aren’t that deep!

I found out the daily cost during my financial phone call.  She wanted to know if my insurance ran out, would it be feasible to continue any treatment paying out of pocket?  Then she dropped the daily rate.  Ummmm….no…that is not at all feasible. As a matter of fact, dh and I have already discussed a contingency plan for what to do if insurance cuts me off with minimal notice (which can happen).  It involves a hotel and/or a train.  Either way, it will be cheaper than $2600!!!

Yesterday, I ran an errand to get a few things I will need to take with me.  I am planning on packing simply and light.  I did have one splurge (one item that I don’t need for the trip, but really want to have to make myself more comfortable when I am there).  I loved the fleece I made the little dog’s coats out of.  I really, really wanted to get some to put on top of my bed as a bed spread to be cheerful and remind me of home.  I gambled that JoAnn’s would still have some fleece left.  I was not disappointed.


Now…I just have to say that the color is not quite right in this picture. For some reason, I can’t get a photo that accurately represents the color.  It is much more of what I would call a Hawaiian blue, more cheerful.  But at least you can get an idea.

I am going to cut off the selvages and ends with my pinking shears and that will be the extent of my edging for it.  Quick and easy!

I have started making a pile of things I am taking.  The process has started.

The Family

So, dh is taking all of this really well.  He is doing whatever he can to support me.  Yesterday, he told his boss and professor (he is taking an art history class this semester) that he has an upcoming trip and why.  They were both very understanding about it.

Ds appears to have adjusted already…He is a pretty resilient sort of critter.  Hmmm….wonder where he gets that from!  🙂


My friends have been super supportive for which I am appreciative.  A is actually coming over this afternoon to see me before I go.  L has gone off to another country for a class, but had been very supportive right up until she left…I am sure she is still being supportive…Just not in an IM kind of way.

SS…she has been awesome a well.  She has a lot on her hands at the moment.  I actually have been worried about her.  Poor little Miss Blossom contracted a nasty upper respiratory virus that tends to prey on preemie babies. They have been at the hospital all week.  Blossom got sicker and had to go into the pediatric ICU a couple of days ago. But…she has started to perk up and appears to be (slowly) on the mend.  And yet, even with all that going one, we have been in frequent communication via IM.

Team Heidi

The AT and my PNP have been kindly fielding my bouts of panic.  I have been needing more “after hours” support over the past week and they have both been more than willing to give it to me.  I worry that I am asking too much time from them…Hopefully, pretty soon I will be gone and not bugging them anymore.  Do you think they will miss me when I am gone?

To Work Or Not To Work? and Having The Driveway Sanded

To Work Or Not To Work?

It has been decided.

I saw my Primary Physician yesterday.  It was a good appointment, meaning I felt like she really was taking the time to talk to me and listen to me and I felt good about it.  I also got bloodwork done, I wasn’t feeling as good about that—ouch! And evidently, she loves my heart so much that she did another EKG.  (Which was fine.)  Heck…she even gave me a nice hug (after asking permission first.)

And I waited until the very end to ask her the question.  Should I go back to work? (Partly, this was prompted by a text from my boss that was already a few days old, asking about me working on Saturday.)

My PP said, “I don’t think you should go back to work. I think you should take the time and focus on yourself.”

So…It has been decided. And I am relieved.

And then after I got home, I made a phone call and I got a forbearance on my student loans.

And now, I need to re-run budget numbers without the hefty student loan payment.  As family CFO, it is my job to make sure all the bills get paid.  It was going to be super tight, but the forbearance will give us some breathing room.

Having The Driveway Sanded

You know…I appreciate the simple things.

So, our driveway goes up a hill…Not a crazy bad kind of hill, but enough that sometimes cars can’t get up it in the winter.  When we moved here, my car wouldn’t go up. Lemme tell ya, that car got traded in lickety-split. Parking at the bottom of the driveway and hiking up in the freezing cold is not fun.


In the winter, the UPS man doesn’t drive up at all and drops our packages at the bottom of the driveway.  We get better service from FedEx, who will drive up most of the time, but if he elects not too, he walks up with our packages.

But…The fuel oil delivery folks are fussy.  They won’t even bother to come up, and forget them trying to use those handy chains hanging off the bottom of the truck, it isn’t happening!  So, now they call the day before they deliver to give us a heads-up. Then I can call the plow guy and have him come sand.

This all happened yesterday.  The fuel oil company called to check on the status of the driveway…Packed snow over ice, not good for the heavy fuel oil truck to back up (did I mention they back up the driveway as there is no spot for a truck to turn around at the top?)  I called my plow guy and asked if he could come sand.  Within ten minutes he was here and sanding.


And not only did he sand, but he drove really slowly to get a good layer of sand down.  And he knows the tricky spots in the driveway and went extra slowly over them to get a really heavy coat of sand.

And I watched him do it and felt a lot of gratitude for his diligence.


The Price Of Mental Health

The Price Of Mental Health

I have been procrastinating about something. Partly, I wanted to talk about it with the AT, but I am guessing that will never happen (though I did bring it up a few sessions ago).   I have come to a point where I have to make a decision….Do I go back to my per diem work? Or do I take a “leave” and take care of myself for a while?

Dh has weighed in that he wants me to be happy. He hasn’t been really thrilled that I started doing the per diem work because he knows I am not super happy at the facility.  Of course, he would never tell me I couldn’t work there…but I know he would prefer that I didn’t.

Me?  I have all sorts of feelings about work.  Mainly, I feel guilty that I went back to school and incurred student loan debt thus I feel like I should be earning my keep.  The pay is really good doing per diem work…Of course, it would be even better financially if I worked full-time, but I don’t think that’s in the cards at the moment.  Work makes me crazy and challenges my ethics every time I go.  But I also feel good and competent at work, it is one arena where I rarely question myself…Well, until I hit those tricky ethical issues, or poor quality patient care issues, or time crunching for quotas issues.  Ugh.

But…it all comes down to brass tacks.  Can we afford to give me some time off?  I spent the morning yesterday running the numbers.  Some things are in our favor, we paid our car off last year, dh got a really good raise last year, dh forgot to sign up for flexible spending last year (which isn’t great, but means there is more money in each paycheck.) But other things are not in our favor…like home repairs that need doing (we weren’t happy to see large bits of shingles on the lawn after a huge windstorm a couple of weeks ago), depleted savings, a ten-year-old car, accident prone pets (one of our cats broke his foot last Friday), lots of co-pays and prescriptions for medical stuff for me….

What do the number say?  Unfortunately, the numbers don’t help much.  Not working would be tight.  I can’t quite parse if it would be uncomfortably tight, or workably tight.  Of course, my working would be extra money  and then things would not be so tight.  Or I could defer my student loans for a little while. Maybe I should have bought a Powerball ticket last week. <sigh>

So…here I am, left in the same place that I started.  Keep working or take a break?  I don’t know what the right thing to do is.

Honestly, I think I would do better not working for a little while.  But like I said, I just don’t know what to do.

I Don’t Need to Borrow Trouble and Heidi the Yogi


I Don’t Need to Borrow Trouble

When I am feeling “sensitive” about things and get all worried about them, do you suppose this is just a manifestation of my anxiety?  I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday and how I was perseverating and torturing myself about if the Art Therapist believed me or not.  I realized yesterday afternoon that of course he believes me! Why am I questioning it?  All I can think is it is anxiety related…..Either from my own insecurity in the therapeutic relationship or from leftover baggage I have from Therapist #1.  I do kind of live by a motto of once-burned-twice-shy, so baggage makes lots of sense to me.  But…the AT is not Therapist #1, he is the AT.  I need to give him more credit.  So, why was I not giving him the credit he is due?  I guess it’s just me.  I’m still working on trusting the AT…I am doing better and better with it, but it is still hard.  And I like him and I feel hopeful with him, but I am so used to people letting me down…And to failing…

Today is another Art Therapy day.  I don’t have a plan as to what I want to talk about yet.  It is also a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner day, so I am getting a double whammy….And I am really nervous about the PNP appointment…We are going to have to discuss my suicidal ideation and I am not looking forward to that.  However, I will get to find out if my Primary Physician has actually called either of them yet.

Heidi the Yogi

So, I have been taking private yoga lessons.  It is with a local person who has a studio in her home.  She has been traveling quite a bit recently, so even though we started in April, I have only been 3 times (maybe 4?).  That works out for me since I am not exactly lush in money right now, so the intermittent schedule is great.  She also has a sliding fee scale and that has been super helpful too.  Anyway, I have been interested in yoga for a long time but have way too much body shame to actually go to a yoga class where there are <gasp> other people.  I almost have too much body shame to do the private lessons as well…but I am trying not to let it be a barrier.

Yesterday was the first day where I actually felt relaxed about being at the yoga studio.  I wasn’t at first, since it has been about two months since I was last there, but the teacher is very reassuring and I felt calmer and like I said, I felt some actual relaxation.  I like the yoga a lot.  I may have a huge body, but I happen to be very flexible and I have some decent strength, so it is nice to move my body during yoga.  I am super self-conscious, but yesterday, I even let some of that go too.

I think what is the most challenging part of yoga for me is the teacher talks about knowing and liking one’s body, appreciating one’s body, feeling beautiful and special and letting one’s self be open and receiving, etc.  And she has an amazing knack of honing right in on my emotionally sensitive spots….It’s almost spooky how she does it.  For instance, several times yesterday she was talking about affirmations and finding nice things to say about one’s self and feeling exquisite.  It was only a few days ago that I blogged about how I hate affirmations.  She also seems to have picked right up on my trauma history.  She hasn’t said anything directly to me, but she has talked about trauma and how peoples’ bodies react to trauma and made trauma-calming comments…..Again it was very unnerving.

I think yoga is a good challenge for me…but she almost had me in tears three different times yesterday by hitting those sensitive spots.  I wasn’t prepared for that.  If I can’t cry in therapy….I can’t cry in yoga!

Anyway, I was trying to get to a point…I think the yoga helped to center me and clear my head a lot.  I think that is what lead to my trusting that the Art Therapist does believe me and that I need to let my worry about it go. <Imagining blowing dandelion fluff off my palm> Gone! No more worry.