Interpersonal Issues

Yesterday, a treatment friend and I got together to run a couple of errands.  As she was driving, she commented that she and some of my peers were concerned about me.  She explained that basically, she had been nominated as the one to talk to me about how I had not been myself and have been overly sensitive and defensive lately.  And that my level of defensiveness was akin to when they had been with me in residential treatment in July and August.

Ouch.

Of course, I have known that I am falling apart and been a miserable mess.  This isn’t news to me.  I just didn’t realize that it was showing up as me being super defensive.  Of course, her talking to me about it made me….Defensive.  But I tried really hard to listen to her because I know she was coming from a place of concern.  Basically, the whole rest of our errands, I tried not to burst into tears and I felt profoundly depressed and damaged. I also felt embarrassed and now I know everyone is watching me and every move I make is being filed away.

This morning, I had therapy which was hard.  I get tired of everything being hard all the time and I get tired of crying.  I do like my new therapist and I think I am adjusting to her. I think it might be easier to trust her than I expected.  I have mixed feelings about this as it doesn’t feel safe.  But she seems safe, so maybe I should just roll with it.

I also saw my dietitian and much to my relief, the appointment went really, really well.  I am so glad because I don’t know if I could handle much more upheaval.  Not only did it go well, but we discussed an issue I had regarding calorie counting over the weekend and she was very kind and compassionate and offered me an opportunity to do the next right thing…which I did.  We even ended the appointment with a hug! (She asked and I accepted.)

The rest of programming, I was hyper-aware of myself in the groups.  I was careful with what I said.  Oh…and I ended up having to present in a group, which I totally didn’t expect. (Someone else was supposed to present, but wasn’t prepared.)  I picked a nice safe piece to read, an optimistic piece, so that the feedback wouldn’t be stressful and so that I wouldn’t be put in a place where I would be defensive.  Was that the best choice?  I don’t think I’ll answer that.  Of course, I didn’t really have much else to share, so it kind of was what it was, iykwim.

My therapist seems to think that I have a problem interacting with/in the group.  She probably is basing this on things that I said and my behavior over the weekend…I have to think about it some because she wants me to check-in during a group about it, which I am loathe to do.  More on the group interaction issue tomorrow.  Tonight, I need to work on some homework before bed.

 

Mad At My Body and Nutrition Education and Typos

Mad At My Body

I feel like I got some sleep last night.  But I am not sure I am happy about it.  The lack of exhaustion numbness, and likely my work on some of my writing assignments, has left me feeling raw. I could just burst into tears.  I am also feeling edgy and startle-y.  It has the makings of a long day.

I also am pretty mad at my body at the moment.  I am supposed to get my period this week (which is not why I feel tearful, I already had my pre-menstrual irritable and then tearful days) and my body is not doing what it is supposed to do.  I keep sort of starting and stopping with my period.  This is not the way my period usually works and thus not the way it is supposed to work.  I have a predictable period pattern and my body is supposed to follow that pattern.  I can think of reasons that my period is jumbled, stress, new environment, new eating patterns, etc., etc.  But it still makes me mad.  I hate it when my body doesn’t do what it is supposed to do.  Ugh…I wish I could explain it.  I just feel betrayed.  And if I don’t hate my body enough, the betrayal just adds to it.

So, not only am I tearful today, but I feel extra grumbly.  I also feel like I don’t know when (if) my period is going to start being really heavy, so I am worried that I will bleed through my pants.  Yes, I am prepared, but I am in the menstrual tsunami part of life, so it goes kind of from zero to tidal wave in a very short amount of time.  I just don’t need the stress of worrying about it.

Maybe today it will start behaving.

Nutrition Education

One of the groups I had yesterday was co-facilitated by the Nutritionist and my therapist, Meg.  It was about nutrition and how our bodies need carbs, proteins, fat, etc.  And I skeptically listened.  Then the Nutritionist talked about portion sizes and the move towards “intuitive eating” following your body’s hunger and satiation cues to determine how much you eat.

And I just don’t buy it.  Why can’t you meet your nutritional needs but just eat less food while you do it? I mean, you can shave off the energy part of food without compromising the nutritional content of your food, right?  I just don’t think I need the amount of food she is suggesting.

Plus, the only way I can make sure I am eating the right amount of food (to lose weight and not gain it) is to track what I eat.  I don’t think intuitive eating is a good idea at all.  I did try to express my concern and the nutritionist countered with, “Where is that coming from?”  I knew she meant me or the ED, but I chose to ignore that and asked her what she meant.  She did indeed ask if it was my ED talking.  I think I dodged answering.

Don’t I know what is best for my body? And what if it isn’t intuitive eating?

Typos

I have been re-reading some of my recent blog posts (yes, I do read my own blog) and have noticed lots of typos.  I do proofread before I post, but clearly I am not catching them all.  So, please bear with me about the typos.  I am often blogging in the common room and it is loud and full of distractions.  Plus, I am tired most of the time and I think it is just keeping me from clean typing.  It’s not the biggest deal, but it is annoying to me.  I am sure it has nothing to do with my perfectionism.  <cough>