Howling coyotes (if you can call the sound they make howling) woke us up at 3. They must have been very, very nearby as they were so loud. As suddenly as the howling started, it stopped. But I was awake. I thought for a few minutes about the wild rabbit we have seen the past couple of mornings, or as we like to call him, the Yard Rabbit. But 3 is early for crepuscular animals such as yard rabbits, so I am hoping he is safe.
I tried to fall back asleep, but the room was too quiet and too dark. And dh was snoring. And I just didn’t feel sleepy anymore. Then I started thinking about chores and laundry….I know I will be miserable later because I started my day at 3 (well…technically 4:06 cuz that’s when I got out of bed.) We are due for some nasty weather later today, so being home and napping in the afternoon is a definite possibility.
The question I am being asked is, “How are you doing?”
I am overwhelmed. And I am surviving. I have had a lot of anxiety over doing this all perfectly…Yes, I know. The last thing I need is perfectionism right now, so I am really trying to cut myself a LOT of slack. Basically, re-integrating the first couple of days, I just felt kind of stunned and numb. Yesterday was much better. <phew>
I am eating. That’s the first and most important thing, right? And despite a lot of anxiety about it, I am pretty sure I am eating my meal plan correctly. I won’t know that for myself, I need to wait to be weighed and then someone will tell me how I am doing, but they only will if there is an issue. So…I will keep doing what I think is right and see where it leads me.
I saw the AT yesterday. I was soooo glad to see him. Despite me feeling pretty anxious and worrying about reconnecting with him, it went well. We actually had a bridging phone call last week when I was still in the program. My program therapist, the AT and I talked for an hour. I think it was key to re-building my trust with him. And I wrote a self-assigned piece about what he needs to know about me now. So, yesterday I felt a little awkward at the start, but slid easily into safe comfort with him.
I have reconnected/connected with half my team now. (I mean of the clinical team…Dh is always part of the team, even if I don’t mention him outright every time.) I met the new dietitian Saturday. She seems okay…I have a couple hesitations but I am going with it for the moment. I saw the new Couples’ Counselor (CC) with dh yesterday. He seems really nice and I think seeing him is going to be really helpful. As I just mentioned, I saw the AT. I also had a phone “interview” with an OCD therapist. At the end of the interview, he accepted me as a client and I will be starting with him next week. So, that’s contact with 2/3 of my clinical team in my first 3 days home.
Today, I see my primary physician. Tomorrow, I see my Psych NP and the AT (again). Then the rest of the week, I get to relax and recover and catch my breath.
Between all of Team Heidi, I will have 7 appointments a week to start. The AT commented yesterday that it is like I will be having a job and that it is exactly what I need to be doing right now. I felt relieved when he said that because I worry that all of my appointments are selfish, or like I am taking too much from all of my clinicians. Or that I should be getting a real job and diving right back into the world of employment (which would be a bad idea at the moment.) I like it when my therapists say things that actually make me feel better.
Tomorrow, I will write about my/our (dh is on board and helping with this) project of changing the physical environment of our home to help me not fall back into old habits and patterns of behavior.
And I will write about my plates.