Putting The Backstories On Hold For A Little Bit and My Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner and Pottery

Putting The Backstories On Hold For A Little Bit

I think I am going to take a day or two off of the backstories.  I have lots more stories that want to be told, but I have had my mood dropping all week and I think I just need to pace myself, iykwim.  Especially since one of the backstories I want to share is about my family and food.  That one will be tricky, I need a day or two to figure out what I am going to say.

My Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner

Yesterday, I saw my PNP.  I had a hard time talking with her yesterday as I think I went in to the appointment half dissociated…Not her fault nor me having anxiety about being there, but more a product of my needing to pace myself as I said above.  She was able to reel me in though and I even drew for her!

And I cried.  This crying thing is becoming a habit!  I am going to try to stop judging myself about it, because I am not sure I have any control over it anymore.  If it’s going to happen, I guess it is going to happen.

What I didn’t realize (until I cried) is how strongly upsetting my Nutritionist appointments are for me.  Because, that’s what made me cry.  My PNP asked about how my Nutritionist appointments are going and if they are still hard and my eyes just welled up with tears and I couldn’t even look at my PNP.  I am not even sure what is so hard about the Nutritionist that just thinking about it made me cry…But clearly, there is a trigger there.

And of course, I see the Nutritionist today. <sigh>

Back to the drawing…I wish I had taken of picture of it so that I could post it here.  She was asking what my eating disorder looked like, and I told her it was black and had long fingers…gripping fingers.  She asked a few more questions about how it looked and then handed me a clipboard, paper and a pack of crayons so I could draw it.

When I finished the drawing, she asked if I wanted it or if she could keep it.  I told her she could keep it, but that she should probably send a copy to the AT.  She said she would fax it to him.  It’s funny, it’s not at all the kind of drawing that I would do in Art Therapy…The different settings appear to invoke different responses.  I guess that actually makes total sense…I had just never observed it before as my PNP has never given me an opportunity to draw before.

Lastly, I left my PNP appointment with my pocketbook stuffed full of samples of one of my meds.  I am truly appreciative that she gave me the boxes of samples because I have been feeling stressed trying to keep our finances afloat right now.  And since we have rolled into a new year, I am still meeting my deductible for my prescriptions and at the moment, paying full price for my meds is challenging and kind of painful.

Pottery

Just a quick note about pottery class…I know my mood is off because I didn’t really feel like going to pottery class…I feel like I just don’t care and am not motivated.  However, I did go and finished some glazing and collected my tiles from last week that had been fired.  This one came out amazing.  I am so pleased with how my glazing worked!

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Then I was prepping the lid for the pot (smoothing rough spots) so it and the pot could finally be bisque fired.  Only, I pressed too hard and…..

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Guess next week I’ll be making lid #3!

Waiting and Pottery Class

Waiting

Yesterday morning, I got up and started some turkey stock both on the stove and in the crockpot.  Ds made stock earlier this month and it was well-liked in the soups/stews I have made recently but there is only a pint of his stock left.  After the stock cooks, I put it into canning jars and freeze it up.  Luckily, the weather this time of year cooperates with the cooling and freezing of the stock on the deck.  I won’t ever eat anything made from the stock, as it is meat based, but I am glad to make it and know that dh and ds are eating healthy homemade food.

I did some hand sewing for quite a while in the morning.  It was just the right kind of activity because I was super low energy and just finding it hard to move much.  I had planned on walking the dogs, but it was cold and snowing and I just didn’t feel up to it.  (I have been really cold lately.)  It was a quiet kind of morning.

Mostly though, I was waiting.  My bloodwork came back from Tuesday’s blood draw and I took a look at it first thing in the morning.  (There is a website through the hospital that posts labs and stuff, the info show up there fast and I can check it before my doctor even sees it.)  A couple of my lab values were off…This is the first time that has happened.  So, I was waiting for an email from my doctor to see what she thought.  Here is the message she put on the bottom of my lab results, “Heidi, Your liver enzymes (AST and ALT) are now elevated and this may be due to the stress on your liver due to inadequate calorie intake.  We should recheck this at your next visit. Please let me know if you have questions. Best wishes, [Your Doctor]”  I am not sure how worried I should be about this…I guess the next bloodwork check will let me know.

Pottery Class

In the evening I had pottery class.  Despite just wanting to curl up in bed to stay warm and rest, I pulled myself together and went to pottery.  It’s kind of like yoga in that I love it so much that I will get there come Hell or high water.  I threw my pot lid on the wheel, though I don’t have much hope that it will fire to the right size.  But it was my first lid and I did my best…Maybe I will be pleasantly surprised!  I also started glazing my tiles.  I am painting in the glaze to color the pictures I drew…Technically, this might not work as the glaze colors may just run together when it is fired.  Honestly, I am okay with that, as painting the tiles is kind of an experiment and I am not feeling like they have to come out perfect.

Here are the tiles during the glazing process.  The colors of the glaze are not at all accurate, they fire and change color/darken significantly. For example the trees will fire to a dark green even though the glaze is so light.

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Sleep? and Pottery

Sleep?

Sleep has become torturously elusive to me.  I have not slept well for three weeks now, and I think it is starting to get to me.  It’s 3:20 right now, I have been awake since 2.  I tried and tried to fall back asleep, but it was just not happening.  So, here I am, exhausted nearly to the point of tears, irritable and blogging. <sigh> It is going to be a really long day as I have Art Therapy, then a dentist appointment and then a Nutritionist appointment.  And each appointment is worse than the former.  The dentist is not my favorite thing…though I really like my dentist, so that makes it somewhat better.  The Nutritionist…I dread going.  I haven’t met my goal for this week, so it will be another half hour of shame and self-blame and feeling like a failure.  Fun stuff. 😦

Pottery

But in the real world of Fun Stuff, I started my pottery class again last week.  Yesterday was the second class and I spent the whole time on the wheel.

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That third bowl, it wants a lid.  I haven’t done a lid before, so my pottery instructor explained how to do it.  I started the lid and it was too big, so I cut it down and then was re-shaping it on the wheel….but it flopped.  Quite literally.  I got the clay too thin and wet and the lid collapsed outward in an irreparable way.  Unfortunately, it did that at the end of class, so I will have to wait until next week to try again.

Last week, I made a bunch of small tiles/plaques for the Solstice Cave.  They were in the kiln yesterday for their bisque fire, so I don’t have any pictures to share.  I might glaze them next week, depending on how long it takes me to throw the lid for the bowl.  I ought to have plenty of time to do both!

And lesson learned last night…Probably not a good idea to wear the jeans that you plan on wearing Thursday to your Wednesday evening pottery class.

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Thank goodness for the “Quick Wash” cycle on the washing machine.  🙂  My pants have been restored to socially acceptable cleanliness. (As has my shirt and fleece…wheel throwing is a messy business!)

Okay, I am going to lay down on the couch for a few minutes.  Maybe I can get just a little bit more sleep?

 

 

 

Yoga Poses and Nutritionist Homework and Art Therapy Homework and Pottery

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Yoga Poses

Yesterday was yoga.  I have to admit, I was anxious….And the whole time, I couldn’t settle my brain.  Well…maybe not the whole time, but I was easily distractible.  And when we hit the end for Savasana (which we did sitting) I was totally on edge.  But…I was sitting with the sun on me a little bit, and I just absorbed the feeling on the sun and its brightness through my closed eyes.  And the YI did the shortest Savasana ever…which was okay with me.

We started our session by talking.  She asked about my goals and I had printed out my blog from yesterday, so I handed it to her.  That way, she got the goals and the thinking process of how I arrived at the goals.  And then she talked about how certain poses, the ones that open up your chest and front can open up things inside your body, like trauma held in your body, feelings, etc.  She noted that last week we had done a lot of those poses and ended in a reclining Savasana which created that very open body posture.  So, while I had been thinking that yoga had nothing to do with the flashback…Maybe it did.  And you know what….that’s okay.  I will take it as feedback from my body that I need to apply myself more in therapy to express myself, because it looks like if I don’t, it will find a way out of me anyway. (And I would much rather have stuff come out on my terms rather than in flashback form.)

And speaking of feelings and stuff coming out…My YI made a point of telling me that whatever feelings that I want/need to express during yoga are okay, that she won’t be thrown by expression of feelings.

Nutritionist Homework

I have been making an effort with the things the nutritionist wanted me to work on.  I did have an afternoon snack 4/7 days this week.  I have been diversifying my food repertoire.  Initially it caused me a lot of anxiety…now it just causes me some anxiety.  I have been trying to bump up my calories some…That has been a lot harder.  At least when I see her this afternoon, I can say that I have been really trying and I won’t have to feel as ashamed.

Art Therapy Homework

Monday, the AT gave me a homework assignment to go with the dead-and-buried me picture. He wanted me to work on how I would get some nurturance and light into the darkness.  He gave an example of ventilation into mines, and how if a mine caves in the first thing they do is pump oxygen down to help the people.  So…what and how would I send nurturing down to my buried person?

I am working on the project, but it isn’t done today as it is in clay and the clay is still drying and then I have painting and gluing and such to do with it.

Pottery

And speaking of clay….I picked up my bowls last night.   I didn’t stay and do anymore work as there is only one session left and not enough time to really get a project going and finished.  I decided that three extra classes were enough and I will just take a break until the next session in January.  In January, I am going to work on honing my wheel skills.  I can’t wait!

Anyway…here are the bowls:

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