You know what? I am getting better. I am sort of stumbling along, feeling the ups and downs and looking forward, but I have forgotten to look back to see how much I have changed.
This morning I ran to get some groceries with a peer. It was an eye-opening experience. This peer has had more treatment than me and has really struggled. I know she still struggles based on her words and attitudes and emotions. I didn’t anticipate issues shopping with her, or I wouldn’t have asked her to go with me.
She checked calories on every single item she bought, while saying the she knew she shouldn’t be doing it. She did not buy certain foods based on their calorie content while saying that she knew she shouldn’t be doing it.. She talked about having high binge urges and then bought a fistful of candy at the check-out.
Wow. She is still totally enmeshed in her eating disorder.
I don’t want to come across as holier-than-thou, because I certainly peek at calories and question food choices based on calories. But…I work very hard to not scrutinize the calories of everything I buy. I may question food choices based on calories, but I don’t refuse to buy foods because of calorie content. And the one time I did intentionally buy a low-cal food, my nutritionist told me to throw the food out and buy what I would have normally bought, and you know what? I did it immediately after my appointment. Yes, it was painful. But I did it.
So, how far have I come? I eat food. I eat more than 350 calories a day. I exercise minimally. I rarely self-harm. I resist restriction urges or restrict very mildly. I calorie count sometimes, but not often. I worry about my weight, but I don’t weigh myself every day, or every week…or even at all. I don’t body check every single day. I eat more than a rotating cycle of the same 5 foods.
Even though it is far from perfect, all those changes are huge progress. I think I have some hope for me. I am not judging myself against my peer, but seeing where she is in her process just made me realize how far I have come in my process.
Just for the heck of it, I looked back to see what I was writing during this time last year…..It’s kind of painful to look at:
Hyper-focusing Again (Still?)
So…this is not being a good week at all for my Nutritionist goals. My therapy-induced upheaval has just super charged my eating hyper-focus and I am unable to snap out of it and I have been unable to diversify what I eat or increase the quantity…If anything, I am eating less. And I have lost more weight than I am supposed to (again). I am supposed to be losing about a pound a week and anything in the 1-2 pound range is acceptable. This week, I have lost 5.4lbs.
But hyper-focusing is the only way I have any control in my life right now…So, I continue to hyper-focus. And if I am being totally honest…I think I am getting worse. Now, when I sit down to eat, I feel sick. Like the idea of eating makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know if this is just extreme general stress (I do have other stressors right now besides the therapy upheaval) or if it is food stress. But it worries me.
Oh well…I suppose it doesn’t really matter anyway. Like I have said before, I am nowhere near starving to death, so it’s not like I am hurting myself.
All I have to say is ouch. I was totally hurting myself and though I didn’t know at the time, you can malnourish yourself to death (i.e.starve) while still having fat on your body.
Holy shit….I was sooo oblivious. I wonder what I would have thought if someone sat down with me and told me what was going to unfold over the next 12 months. I am sure I would have just dismissed it as them over-reacting and not believed it. But now, I have lived it. I want to say it’s been a shitty 12 months, but that isn’t fair. Because despite hitting some real lows, I have been crawling my way up out of that hole and working to get myself better. Yes, there have been some shitty parts. But I have also found strength and courage I never thought I had. In that respect, it has also been an amazing 12 months.