Sewing and The Phone Call(s)

Sewing

I spent the bulk of yesterday sewing while I waited for the phone call from my PNP.  Not only did I finish the little dog’s coat but I had enough fleece to make her a second coat.  The first coat is a double layer, warmer coat.  The second coat is a single layer, with a thick fleece for those cool spring days.  I am delighted with how they came out.  I love the flower print and the blue will look fantastic on the little dog’s white fur . Her gotcha day is the 27th, so I will have pics of her in the coats then.

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The Phone Call(s)

When my PNP finally got a hold of me, she had a lot to say.  She had talked to my Primary Physician and my doctor had charged my PNP and I to researching inpatient/residential eating disorder facilities.  I am kind of curious as how it fell to my PNP to be the one to help me with the research, however, I am fine with it.  I adore my PNP and I know she will do a good job helping me.

I had dug out the letter and business card of my Blue Cross case manager (yup, I have one) and after I talked to my PNP, I called my case manager.  She was incredibly helpful and kind.  (I feel kind of embarrassed calling a total stranger and telling her I have an eating disorder and I need help finding more intensive treatment.)  She did some legwork on her part and verified my insurance coverage for such care.  It turns out I have damn good insurance and as long as I stay “in network” I have 100% coverage and no copay/deductible for both inpatient and residential treatment!  This is such a relief to me because with me completely out of work right now, and me having spent the last year minimally working, we kind of have no money.  Not having to pay anything out of pocket for treatment is a blessing.

My Case Manager sent me a list of in network facilities, most of them within driving distance of my home.  I started cranking my way through the list and alternated feelings of panic, despair and relief as I investigated them.  It was exhausting. 😦

I also forwarded the list to my PNP and I sent her an email later with my current top choices.  I need more info about all of them, so I will have to spend some time contacting places and getting my questions answered.  At the end of the week, my Case Manager is calling me back to see if I need more choices and to see how I am doing with the process.

I had a kind of anxiety/panic melt-down after contacting my Case Manager and I sent a panicked email to the AT asking if I could come see him today so we can talk about all of this.  I see him later this morning.  I did feel calmer last evening, but then last night, the dogs woke me up at 2 and I was feeling stressed and anxious and could not fall back asleep. Finally after an hour and a half, I took a lorazepam and then settled down pretty quickly and fell back asleep.

So…I am stressed and overwhelmed, full of questions (I have a huge list of questions to take to the AT) and honestly, a little bit relieved that I have some treatment options. I don’t know how close I am to my doc putting her foot down and saying it is time for the higher lever of treatment…But at least I will be prepared if/when it happens.

 

 

 

Just About The Knitting (And Sewing) Today

Just About The Knitting (And Sewing) Today

I had thought about writing another Heidi-history post today, or an anorexia post, or some sort of deep meaningful post today…But then I decided to just let that all rest…I’ve got therapy tomorrow, there will be enough deep meaning then…Today is a light day.  Today is a knitting (and sewing) post kind of day!

I got my first full square done for the blanket.  I am so, so, so happy with the grey and blue!  They look better together than I imagined they would.

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Now, I need to cast on for an identical square and then after that, I have to knit two squares with the grey and the darker blue.

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The crazy thing is that at the moment, my needles are empty! <gasp>  I will have to remedy that ASAP! 🙂

Last night, I made a trip to get some buttons for the green sweater.  I found buttons that are absolutely perfect.  The purple flower will be for the outside of the sweater and the green will be for the inside.  The flower looks amazing on the green.  I am really pleased I found nice buttons.  And I only need one of each button…So I will have to think of a project to go with the other two buttons!

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And while at the button store, I perused fleece.  We brought our little dog home from the greyhound rescue a year ago the 27th.  As an anniversary present for her, I am going to make her a new coat.  After hemming and hawing over fleece choices for half an hour, I finally spied this fleece.  Perfect!

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The little dog will love it, I am sure!

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Yup…nothing like a spoiled  well taken care of dog!

And lastly, as I was cranking out stripes last night, I had a friend “helping” me.  The big dog is particularly attached to me and any time I am sitting on the couch, he curls up beside me and either puts his head on my lap or tucks it behind my back.  Yesterday, his devotion even surpassed having yarn tickling his ears and my blanket square flip-flopping on his face.

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Nope, no spoiled dogs here!

 

Regretting Choosing From Fear and Friends and Knitting

Regretting Choosing From Fear

It was cold here yesterday. Super cold.  I had yoga scheduled and I could not wait to go because the yoga room is always toasty warm.  And since it was sunny, I knew the sun would be pouring in making it warmer…And I knew the floor would be warm because the room has radiant floor heating.  Since, I am always cold these days, I was excited to go to yoga. Of course, I wanted to go for all the usual reasons too…But I really wanted the warmth yesterday.

And yoga was deliciously warm and my Instructor was her usual supportive and kind self and I was actually pretty relaxed and still feeling pretty present (leftover from Thursday).   It was all good.

And then we got to the end of our session…And I made a choice based on fear and ended up feeling a bit disappointed.  It was time for our Savasanah and ever since the flashback, my Instructor lets me find whatever place/position I want to be in to do Savasanah. And I have been choosing to sit on the floor with my back against the wall.  Which I did yesterday.  But it was not what I wanted to do.  What I really wanted to do was to lay on the hardwood floor (not even on my mat) and feel the warmth coming from below it.  And I briefly considered it as I slid my hands across the smooth, warm wood as I made my way towards the wall.  But…I was afraid.  I was afraid to lay on my back and open myself up to the possibility to another flashback.  While my body hungered for the comforting warmth of the floor, my mind just couldn’t allow the possibility.  <sigh>  It wasn’t until later (like a few hours later) that I felt the disappointment…That I really wished I had just let myself follow my  instincts and relax on the floor.

Ah well…regrets are regrets.  I will have the opportunity to make a different choice another time.

Friends

I spent the afternoon at J’s house with her and her baby.  I enjoy J’s company, she is very sweet and it was nice to see her.  When I was driving there, I realized the last time I saw her was when I had the tachycardia at work and had to go via ambulance to the ER.

Of course, J wanted to know how I am doing.  And I didn’t know what to say. I sort of answered vaguely and broadly.  She asked if my symptoms were improving any…How do you say to someone, “Well…not really.  I am kind of doing it to myself since my symptoms are caused by my eating disorder, which I have been unable to curb.  Until I get the calorie restriction under control, I won’t see an improvement in my symptoms.”? It seems kind of heavy for general conversation.  Although, I am guessing J would be a safe person to actually share that with, I feel very self-conscious about all my psych stuff and chose not to share.

We just hung out and chatted and admired her baby.  I love J, as she likes to share her baby, every time I go, right after I take my shoes off, she asks, “Do you want to hold him?”  Of course, I always say, “Yes.”  So, I held him and walked him to sleep and then held him in my lap while he was sleeping.  We talked about cloth diapers and when her baby was awake again, I showed her how to diaper him with a cloth diaper and then we tested the soaker.

And we spent a long time sitting on the floor while baby climbed on us and over us and around us, while dribbling drool and occasionally gurping spit-up on us.  It was heavenly! (I love, love, love babies!)

Here is Mr. Cutie Pie in his soaker.  Of the three different sizes I ended up sewing for him, the largest fit the best. (Sorry the picture is blurry, cell phone camera+moving target does not lend itself to the best pictures!)

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I told his mom that I would happily make him some more covers and she invited me back to her house to make some there and then she could help me make them.  It sounds like a plan to me!

Knitting

Since I spent most of the day out of the house, I didn’t get a ton of knitting done, but I did get two and a half or so more stripes done on the blanket square.  I am not a super fast knitter to start and since I started back up again, I seem a little bit slower and my hands get tired pretty fast.  I imagine in a couple of weeks, that will improve…For now, it means the knitting is somewhat slow going. It feels like it will take me forever to get four squares done! That’s okay though…I am a process knitter, not a product knitter (it is the same with most other handcrafting I do) so I don’t mind the time spent.

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Cutting Myself Some Slack and Knitting And Stuff

Cutting Myself Some Slack

There is so much that happened yesterday…I am not sure where to start.

Something happened in Art Therapy yesterday…For some reason it was a difficult session for me.  Not in the usual way though…I can’t quite pinpoint it.  I felt…ugh…It’s still so hard for me to understand and label my emotions.   I couldn’t get my mind to settle, I felt like I was skipping from topic to topic…I don’t know if I was trying to dodge topics or was just scrambled…

And as I was struggling…The AT was very kind and reassuring and aware.  I couldn’t even tell you exactly what he said.  But I heard his tone, gentle and compassionate, and I kind of softened a little bit inside.  And I didn’t expect that.  And I was able to leave the appointment feeling calm. Calm!  No feeling like I needed to flee to my car and then have a mini-anxiety attack.  I just felt…<gasp>  I know what it was! I felt present.  I trusted the AT enough to actually let him pull me into the present with him and then I still felt present after I left my appointment.  Wow.  Maybe there is hope!

In the afternoon, I had my Nutritionist Appointment.  The AT encouraged me to share yesterday’s blog post with her…And so I printed it and took it and she read it.  And she understood what I was saying….To which I heaved a huge (internal) sigh of relief.  And then she said the most amazing thing.  She said, “Let’s not make goals this week.”  I felt like a ton of bricks had been taken off my back.  No goals?  No goals=No failing.  No failing=No shame.  That means I can walk in her office next week with my conscious clear and my head held high.  That will be a first.  I walked out of that appointment feeling freed.  And sooo relieved.

Then I decided something. The AT is taking the Monday holiday off…So I have a week between appointments. And you know what? I am taking the week off.   I am going to knit and sew and get together with friends and read and do anything I want.  But I am not going to obsess about nutrition goals and I am not going to agonize about my depression/PTSD/eating disorder.  I suppose, those things might need attention at some point over the next week…But I am not going to let them consume me.  And next Thursday, when I see the AT and Nutritionist again…I will be ready for more work.

Knitting and Stuff

When I dropped off the soakers at SS’s yesterday, I picked up a pair of Pixie’s training pants.  SS would like a cover for the training pants (Pixie wears them at night).  She was using plastic pants, but Pixie rebelled saying the plastic pants are “for babies” and she refuses to wear them.  So, I am using the training pants for sizing and drawing out a pattern to make a fleece cover.  I can’t use the soaker pattern exactly (the fit wouldn’t be quite right) but I think it will be good with some modifications.  There needs to be more length between the waist and leg openings on the training pants cover versus the soakers.  It should be pretty easy to do.

I started the knit-along blanket.  I am loving the heather grey and blue combo.

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What I Would Like To Tell My Nutritionist and Knitting And More

What I Would Like To Tell My Nutritionist

Another week has wrapped around and I have a Nutritionist appointment this afternoon.  As always, I dread the appointment as this is my hardest appointment of the week.  Yes…Therapy is hard, but the Nutritionist is hard in a different way…And it makes it feel harder.

I do like my Nutritionist and I know she has my best interest in mind and wants to help me to help myself.  And she is always very positive…Which is good, because one of us needs to have some positivity.

What would I like to tell her?

I am not perfect.  Nope, I am not.  I try very hard to be perfect, and I would really like to do everything perfectly, but I cannot.  That doesn’t prevent me from trying…Which is a constant set-up for failure…But that’s a discussion for another time.  Every time I walk into your office, I am embarrassed and ashamed because I did not do my “homework” and meet the goals we made last week.  I would love to just skip my appointments (and I think about not coming anymore a lot) to avoid the embarrassment, but it seems like not coming would be a poor choice in the long run.

I know that I have said that I hyper-focus on my eating to have some control in my life.  And that is true…But it is a funny double-edged sword because somehow my hyper-focus has moved beyond my control.  And I am not sure how to reel myself back in.  I don’t want to admit that I don’t have control because I feel both very confused by the control/no control dichotomy and I am a little bit scared by not being in control and I don’t know what to do about not having control over my eating disorder.

That’s why I never meet my goals, because I don’t have total control over my behavior anymore.  I try to meet my goals.  I really do try. I hear what you say…I am always super skeptical, but I try.  We made a goal of me eating fruit leather before exercising.  I made sure I have fruit leather stocked in my cupboards so that I would be ready to do it.  The next day, when it was fruit leather time, a whole one seemed too much…So I cut it in half and ate half.  I know that the attempt is worth almost as much as succeeding.  But then the next day, I couldn’t do it again.  And the next day, I couldn’t…and on and on. And then I felt guilty and like I have failed.  It doesn’t matter that I tried, all I can see is that I failed.

It has been this way over and over again. Protein pancakes?  Yup…I tried.  I didn’t have ricotta cheese, so I found a recipe for ones with cottage cheese. I made the batter, I cooked the pancakes…And I couldn’t eat them.  As a matter of fact, they became a contributing factor to a huge emotional melt-down. (I don’t blame the pancakes…But they were kind of the last straw.  Sometimes, I am just hanging on by a thread and evidently changing what I eat that dramatically is just too overwhelming.)

But sometimes, I do hear you and I do get there.  Eating more carbs (sweet potatoes and white potatoes)?  It took me a couple of weeks, but this week I have had sweet potato or white potato almost every single day.  You say carbs are important…My body needs them.  Okay…I want them too then (as long as they don’t disrupt my calories for the day) and I worked them in.  It is actually not atypical for me to take a week or two or four to integrate change.  I am like that with lots of things…Sometimes, it takes me months (like 6-9) to work up to a suggested psych med change.  I don’t like change…and it is even harder with changing things I put into my body.

I hope you don’t think I am being difficult when I walk into your office and have yet again failed with my homework.  I am not trying to be difficult.  I am just stuck…Trapped by my own baggage. I feel like I am going around and around in circles.  It is frustrating for me and exhausting.

I said before that I am confused…Lots of things about my eating disorder confuse me.  For example, I like that I am losing weight, lots of it and fast.  On a superficial level, the weight loss itself is very rewarding.  On a deeper lever, the control, the strength, the power and self-control I feel…It is much more rewarding. I am strong. I am decisive. I even have some pride in my ability to deny myself.  It makes me feel good.  But…as I said before, I also know that I have lost control and the eating disorder is in control.  And I know I am hurting myself and that the longer I do it the more I will damage my body.  And I try and try to ignore the symptoms I have like being freezing cold all the time, the heart palpitations and tachycardia, the weakness, feeling faint when I stand up, feeling shaky, poor short-term memory, fuzzy thinking.  All that stuff concerns me and I don’t like feeling all those symptoms.  But, I can’t make my brain decide that the negatives outweigh the positives.  I don’t know how to do it.

When you asked me what my end game is….I didn’t know what to say.  I had never thought of it that way before.  End game?  I have no clue.  I don’t know when I will stop what I am doing…I don’t even know if I can stop what I am doing.  We’ll see what happens in therapy.  I think that therapy success is the key to it all…But I just don’t know if I can get better fast enough in therapy.  Can I get better emotionally before I crash physically?  I guess that is the big question.

Anyway…So, here we are at another Thursday.  And I didn’t meet my goals.  And after the melt-down on Saturday, I have had a back-slide with some of my progress.  I am repeating foods each day…As a matter of fact, I have pretty much eaten the same things for the same meals all week.  It feels safe right now and I need the security.  But…it isn’t all bad because I got those carbs in.  Has it been part of my repeating cycle? Yup.  But hopefully the potatoes count for something.

At this point, I wouldn’t blame you if you just give up on me.  I am not sure I am actually fixable.  But…as long as you want to keep trying, I will keep showing up and trying too.

Sooo…..That’s what I would like to tell her.  Will I?  Of course not.  I don’t want her to think that I am just coming up with excuses for yet another week of failures.

And Knitting And More

I didn’t knit a stitch yesterday. However, I did do a yarn run for my knit-along with Spinnermom.  We cast on today.  I am excited about the colors I picked.

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And here is the pattern we are working…Simple but striking. Instead of white, I am using heather grey.

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Yesterday was a sewing day.  I made some more covers, this time for Maternity Leave Mom, J.  I am going over to her house tomorrow to visit with her and her baby.  I can finally see how the soakers fit on a baby!  Oh…And I am dropping off soakers at SS’s house too.

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