Shame and More Shame

So…First things first  The new therapist gets a name:  Grace. (note to self…update blog shorthand.)

I really chafed yesterday when Grace was telling me that I have issues in the group and with group dynamics.  I know she bases this on what I have said, so there must be truth to it…But I like to think that I know how to negotiate social stuff, so I am feeling a bit touchy about it.  I am feeling touchier about the fact that she wants me to check in with the group and talk about my struggles. And despite my trying to convince her that this is not necessary, she thinks that I should.

I struggle though, because I don’t think my issues in the group are that big.  One of Grace’s concerns is that I am not connecting with people in the group, as evidenced by my isolating a lot and turning down peer requests to get together.  What do I have to say to that?  I do have connections with a couple of people in the group.  Okay, literally with two of the dozen or so of us in the group.  They were folks who I felt really connected with in PHP and basically, it was a long week while I was in IOP and they were still in PHP.  But they came right after me and things are better.

The rest of the group?  One person is very quiet (like scary quiet) and rebuffs my every attempt to talk with her.  I even sit right next to her in groups and she hasn’t thawed at all.  Another peer, I cannot connect with anymore because our relationship was toxic in PHP.  Another peer has talked about connecting with me, but never follows through. Yet another peer appears really nice and seems really supportive, but she also sometimes comes across as forced with her insight and at times is passive aggressive.  Of the folks left, I don’t really know one and she is discharging soon anyway, one is a man that reminds me so much of my dad that it has been a huge barrier for me, and the other…She seems nice and genuine, but she intimidates me a bit and so I haven’t really approached her.

Plus there is the whole shame thing I feel after last week.  I am sooo embarrassed to be vulnerable in the group that it is not funny.  (This is probably why Grace wants me to talk about it.  Secret shame feeds shame. Outing shame decreases it.) What I really want to do is apologize for last week.  And say how stupid I was for being so reactive and so defensive. Yes, I can say that I was/am ashamed. But then all my peers will give me positive and supportive feedback and encouragement, and what will that do?  It’s not going to make me feel better. And actually, I will also get frank and blunt feedback, which also is not going to make me feel better.  It will just compound my shame.

Basically, I feel like I can’t win, so why bother?

And then there is the text I got last night.  I had been getting together frequently with a former treatment peer.  And the past two weeks, I haven’t been in a place to get together and haven’t been responding much to her texts.  Clearly, I hurt her feelings because she sent me this text, “I feel like you are ignoring me.  If you don’t want to talk to me, just tell me and I’ll leave you alone.”  So, now I have managed to alienate someone that I really like and enjoy spending time with.  I don’t even know how to respond to her…What can I say that will make it better? Like, I want to tell her that I have been so depressed that I spent most of the weekend in bed.  Or that adjusting to IOP has been really hard and I haven’t had much energy for anything else.  Or that I am just crashing emotionally and don’t have much mental space for getting together.  But all that is just excuses and there is no point in telling her.  And I am ashamed for being a bad friend and hurting her feelings and I don’t know how to fix it.

Ugh…Everything makes me feel ashamed/embarrassed/socially inept right now. I don’t know what is wrong with me.

The next question is; What do I do about all of this?  For the moment, I am just avoiding all of the group stuff.  Will I check in during group?  I am leaning towards no.  However, I respect the opinion of my therapist a lot so I am not sure.  And what will she think of me if I ignore her advice?  Will I try to connect more with people in the group?  That sort of feels like a recipe for more embarrassment, so again I am leaning towards no.  And my friend that I have now alienated…Do I try to fix that?

And do I acknowledge that all these interpersonal dynamics I am struggling with are important?  Because what I want to say (and have tried to convince Grace) is that I don’t need connection.  Her response has been, “Heidi, I haven’t met anyone yet that doesn’t need connection.”  My counter is, “Well, you hadn’t met me yet.”

Have I mentioned that I am really struggling lately?  Yup.  Life sucks right now.

Not Doing Well

I am totally drowning right now.  Seriously, I cannot handle this transition.  I am losing my shit completely.  I knew the transition would be hard, but did not have any idea that it would be this hard.  I am empty and depressed and scared and hopeless.  And I am already restricting.  Yup.  I am such a failure.  I am so ashamed that I can’t even talk to anyone about the fact that I am struggling this much. So, I sit here, in tears, just wishing I was dead.  Struggling with restricting when given more meal autonomy is probably not surprising to my clinicians, and I am sure that even though I will get in trouble for doing it, it is a way to “practice” the skills that I need to overcome the urges, but I just feel like a complete and utter failure.

I don’t know how anyone recovers from an eating disorder.  I have no fucking idea.  I am not the only one at PHP (partial hosp) struggling with urges and/or actively using symptoms. Is it even possible to recover?

I guess the only thing I have right now is the knowledge that it is okay to struggle and I am only barely restricting and that I know it is about having control.  If I can remind myself of my goals and am honest with my clinicians maybe I can catch this before it takes off.

Oh…and speaking of clinicians, Kyla has earned her first strike.  I saw her for the initial appointment on Thursday and she was supposed to check in with me yesterday to see how I am doing.  And she forgot.  I was sitting at the table and saw her come up the stairs, keys in hand, and go right out the door.  And I felt like every single thing I have ever felt about being worthless was proved true.  Honestly, I was devastated.  Now, I feel like I can’t trust her.  She is not supposed to forget me, she is not supposed to make me feel worse about myself and anything she says about caring about me or supporting me (cuz they always say that) is bullshit.  There is no way I am going to let my guard down around her.

She did actually email later in the day and apologize for forgetting me.  And asked what she could do to support me….but I feel like that ship has already sailed.  However, I worked really hard to set my anger and disappointment aside and respond to her email with some “I” statements and reflections of my feelings.  I figured that even though I likely will never trust her, I ought to at least make an effort, especially since she did email me.

Anyway, for what it’s worth…Here’s what I said:

I really want to be snarky and passive aggressive in my response to you….And I am struggling to set that part aside so I can respond from a more Self oriented kind of place….We’ll see how that goes.

Yes, I noticed that you forgot to check in.  I am very unhappy about it because it just reinforces a bunch of my core beliefs and I feel abandoned and it puts a huge kink in the whole trust-building thing.  I already hated the whole process of transitioning from [Meg] and now I just feel like giving up completely.
I am not sure there is anything you can do to support me right now.  I am miserable and struggling and at the moment, I just want to quit PHP and go home.  I am barely managing my ED urges and I forgot to have morning snack today (It was an honest error….I don’t know if you will actually believe that, but it is true.) which has caused my restriction urges to surge.  I feel like I am hanging on by a thread, but that thread is unraveling and about to break.
I know transitions are hard for me and I want to cut myself some slack, but I just can’t.  This process should be easier and I am not sure why I can’t do it right.  At this point, I just hate everything about me and being here.
So….That’s what is going on with me right now.
Oh, and for the record, I may want to quit PHP and go home, but I won’t actually do it.  I am trying really hard to actually get on the path to recovery, and I know going home would not be a sound choice.
And even though I am mad (i.e. hurt) about you forgetting me, I am glad you emailed.  It saved me from spending the weekend convinced that you hate me.
I don’t know…Maybe I was too honest?  I feel kind of unsure about having actually sent that email.   Of course, I feel unsure about everything.
And as to my comment about forgetting snack, it is actually true that I genuinely forgot. Snack is different in PHP, in that you do it within a certain time range, but everyone doesn’t sit down together and no-one announces it is snack time.  In residential, it is more structured and evidently, I haven’t quite adjusted to the new system yet.  And yes, it was the strong restricting urges after snack, combined with some issues about my meal plan and my shame about eating that led to the restricting.  And like I said, it was only super mild restricting, “invisible restricting” so hopefully, I can nip it in the bud today.  As long as I don’t let the shame, self-loathing and feelings of failure consume me, I think I have a fighting chance. Actually, that sounds far too optimistic for what I am actually feeling…But maybe I can convince myself it is true?

The Apartment, Therapy, The New Therapist, and Speaking of Hard

The Apartment

I am so tired.  Last night was the first night in the apartment housing.  The place is filthy.  And I don’t mean like from my germ phobia kind of point of view.  The place is gross. The fridge wasn’t cleaned, the bathroom is yucky, there is a used q-tip on the floor in my room.  Anything metal is rusted.  It’s just nasty.  Plus it smells strongly of stale cigarette smoke.  It has poor lighting too.  Oh…and the dryer sucks.  I washed and tried to dry my sheets last night (to use my laundry detergent rather than have an allergic reaction to theirs) and after a long, long, long time of trying to dry my sheets, I finally gave up and just made my bed and slept on damp sheets.  The internet doesn’t work either.  Really, it is that bad.  So, what to do?  I haven’t gotten that far yet.  I am so tired and stressed, I am just going to give it the weekend. Plus Mel and I have plans to clean this weekend.  That should help a ton!

Then, last night was also really hard.  I didn’t sleep well, mostly because I woke up in the middle of the night in PTSD hypervigilance mode.  I was terrified and couldn’t calm myself.  I actually had to get up and check the outside door to see if it was locked. And the window and then I locked my bedroom door too.  I haven’t felt that unsettled and needed to lock doors in a long time.  I even considered tucking a chair under the exterior door. Again, I haven’t felt that unsafe in a long time.

Therapy

So the new therapist…She actually seemed pretty on the ball yesterday…I mean for the parts where I could pay attention to her between my severe anxiety, tears and dissociation.  I will probably have to make eye contact with her and actually try to engage with her next time I see her.  I really am struggling with the change of therapist.  All it makes me want to do is go home.  If I have to change therapists, then I just want to go home to see the AT.  He is safe and I know him and he knows me.  And then, if I went home, I would be home! In my safe world, with all the people and dogs and things that I love.  I just miss being home sooo much.  I don’t know why this time in treatment my homesickness has been so strong….

I don’t know….I also blame myself for being here.  If I coped with my issues better, if I had fought my ED harder, if I was somehow a stronger or better person, I wouldn’t need to be away from home.  <sigh>  I wish I could get over this self-blame.  But I can’t convince myself that I am not letting down dh and ds by being gone for so long and not working and not contributing to the family.

The New Therapist

I have been observing the new therapist, Kyla, today.  And I realized something…I actually realized it a little bit yesterday, but as I have watched her walking around and interacting with people, I realized that she looks very similar to a professor I had at my Associate’s Degree school.  And I have a very negative association with that school, that program and that particular professor.  That was the school where the Trigger incident occurred and I got no support over it.  And that particular professor, whom Kyla resembles, was one of the key players in not hearing me and not supporting me (or outsourcing me for the support I needed) and just generally being part of my downward spiral while I was there.  I actually had a lot of issues with this professor before the Trigger and was always on edge around her, but she also happened to be chair of the department, so I had to deal with her about the Trigger.

Now, of course, I know that Kyla is not this professor.  But my immediate response is sort of a visceral gun-shy kind of response.  Which means I should bring it up in therapy. Which means we will have to talk about it…..Ugh.  I hate all of this!

Let me rewind to, “I just want to go home and see the AT.”  I am tired of everything being so fucking hard.

And Speaking of Hard

Cuz I need more stress <eye roll>…..My new dietitian tried to fuss with my meal plan.  Not changing my food quantity, but changing the way I am portioning.  And I listened to her and I tried for one meal….And I freaked.  Seriously, I could barely cope.  It brought back all that shame that I had blogged about a handful of weeks ago about portion sizes and feeling fat and people comparing and my shitty body image.  And I could barely eat because I was so anxious.  Really, I just felt so stressed that I had nausea and could barely get food down.  It is so un-fun having to eat when I feel that way.  I mean, I don’t think any of us would want to eat when feeling nausea, but it’s not like I have a choice, so it makes it worse.

So, in a moment of courage I approached the dietician asked if we could step into her office and I promptly cried.  And she asked what was being brought up for me (one of their absolute favorite questions here) and I barely hesitated before saying that it brought up shame and made me feel obvious and the fact that my body size is so different than everyone else’s (in other words, I am FAT).  And we discussed that maybe right now is not the right time to change the way I am doing my meal plan.  And that maybe I have work to do/processing to do about why I feel so ashamed.  And that we will made the meal plan change but not today or this weekend, and that maybe we will start slow and work up.

And….guess what? I felt heard and validated.  And she even said something about taking me where I am at.  I left her office so relieved.

She did want me to journal/blog about my feelings of shame with changing the meal plan, and I will. But not today.  At this point, I need to give myself a little break.

Self-Worth and My Body

(This was a homework assignment written Sunday evening)

How I Define Self-Worth and How This Became Correlated to My Body

I am not even sure how I define my self-worth.  What things make me worth anything?

  • My intelligence
  • My sense of humor
  • My persistence/perseverance
  • My work ethic
  • My creativity
  • My compassion
  • My love of nature
  • My love of my family

What makes me feel like I am not worth anything?

  • That I am not smart enough
  • That I am not skinny enough
  • That I am ugly
  • That I am disgusting
  • That I am never good enough
  • That I am damaged
  • That I am bad
  • That I am stupid
  • That I do stupid/embarrassing things
  • That I am fat

Just looking at these two lists, it is clear that my sense of worth revolves around things that are intellectually/brain based and the things that make me feel worthless are all about my body.

I guess that the reason my body measures my lack of worth is because of messages I got over and over as a child. I was never good enough because I wasn’t lady-like enough. My body betrayed me by attracting sexual abuse.  Puberty came before I was ready.  My peers teased me relentlessly, first about my early puberty, with ogling and snide remarks about my breasts, and then because I got fat and thus my peers bullied and tortured me for the next 6 years over my size.  Basically, I learned at school to hate my body because my body was what made me a social pariah.  And it was my body’s fault.

I also had lots of criticism about my body at home.  It was never spoken directly, my mother never said to me, “Heidi, you are fat. Lose weight.”  But I was told how to dress and what to wear to make me look good/smaller despite my body size.  I also was told what to wear and how to dress to minimize my busty chest.  And then there was the time that my parents made me do Nutrisystem with them.  No…no one at home ever said I was fat, but the message was there loud and clear.

And the constant focus on my size and my feelings of shame and subsequent hatred of my body because of that focus, consumed my thoughts and emotions and became the central point of my self-worth.  Being smart wasn’t good enough, being funny wasn’t good enough, being kind and compassionate wasn’t good enough.  All people saw when they saw me was my body. And then that’s all I saw too.

So…the past few weeks, at HillTop, I have been feeling a bit better about my body.  I had started to accept my body…I mean, in tiny baby steps, but I was starting to like what I was seeing.  Maybe it was just over-confidence, but I was seeing my body as smaller and feeling some acceptance of it.

But then this afternoon, I undid all that.  I went out shopping with Mel and tried on a bunch of shirts because I wanted some new shirts to wear with my new leggings.  I have been wearing the leggings because they are really comfortable and I really want to be comfortable.  I am also really attracted to the prints and patterns on the leggings.  But when shopping, none of the shirts I found fit right.  And I got to actually look at myself in a mirror and I got to look at myself in my leggings…And I hated what I saw.  And I realized that I have been fooling myself and that I still am disgusting and ugly.  And not worth having any self-confidence.  There is nothing about me to like or feel good about or to even tolerate.

When I look at my body now, like even just sitting in this chair, it looks different.  I am huge.  I can see how big and fat and ugly I am.  I feel stupid and embarrassed that I actually thought any differently.  And that I let myself start to feel comfortable.

This means that everyone is wrong.  I can’t eat food the way I have been eating it.  I can’t not-exercise.  And Mac is wrong.  I do need to know how much I weigh so I can keep everything under control.

And what I really need now is to lose weight.  And a lot of it.

So…I guess the only way I can define self-worth is by my body size.  And right now, I am not worth anything.

 

Tuesday update:  After losing my shit and crying most of yesterday because I hate my body and I am so disgusting….I woke up this morning and pulled out my favorite pair of leggings, put them on, put on a tunic top (which is super comfy and shields some of my awkward body spots) and am trying to wear my leggings again.  I am going to try to tone down the hatred and dial up the fact that I enjoy the comfiness of the leggings…Not sure how this will play out…But I am giving it a try.

 

 

Social Stuff, Compliance and Integrity, I Have to Know and What Else?

Social Stuff

I was right. The two newest admits have totally changed the social dynamic.  It’s fascinating as one was here very recently and has returned.  That’s not the fascinating part, the fascinating part is how some of the staff have responded to her and allow her lots of lee-way.  I suppose it could be that the rules are different because she is not brand-new to the place. But even so, there is a definite vibe going on that I am not really liking.

Such is the life of a constantly changing social group with ever shifting dynamics.  And the life of someone who hates it.

Compliance and Integrity

I worked hard to be compliant yesterday as I really want to go on the outing to Michael’s.  If you are non-compliant within 24 hours of an outing, you can’t go.  So, I need to get through the next two meals.  Of course, the goal is to stay compliant after that too, but I am focusing on these couple of meals.  Oddly, even though I had counted two non-compliances this week, I am only marked down for 1.  I talked to my favorite Direct Care person about as I wanted to be honest about it, but she said it wasn’t recorded.  I guess I won’t complain, as didn’t try to hide it, so I am feeling like I did the right thing.  My integrity is important to me.

I have to know

So…I am kind of losing my shit.  I cannot stop checking my body to see how much weight I have gained.  Like, I obsessively use my hands to body check during groups, I start off my mornings now by body checking in the mirror (I hadn’t done this before).  I have devised plans as to how I can measure my body to see if it is getting bigger.  And over and over I body check and body check and body check with my hands. I am going to lose my mind if I don’t know how much I weigh.

I also cannot stop obsessing around calories.  Yesterday, about 6 times, I started mentally calculating the calories I had eaten.  And six times, I stopped.  One of the last times, I was sitting on the porch, phone in hand, ready to google the calories and one of my peers came out onto the porch to.  I confessed that I was about to do an ED driven behavior (didn’t say what though to not be triggering) and I allowed her to distract me.  I also texted one of my ED recovery friends and told her I was struggling to not count calories.  Her response was, “It’s not going to help.  Feed yourself, don’t feed the ED.”  Of course, she is right.  And I knew she would say something like that which is why I texted her.  But it hasn’t lowered the level of the urges.

I am still beyond self-conscious about my meal sizes and portion sizes.  I am going to start a list of things to not request for snack anymore because I feel so awkward.  Snack is more social and interactive and the table is such that more people can see what you are eating.  Yesterday, I just wanted to die from shame because of my snack portion. Honestly, it is was so little food that I don’t even know why I bother to have snack anyway.  And if I wasn’t trying to be compliant for the outing today, I may have just walked away.  Instead, I just burned in shame and made a note that I need to figure out better ways to do snack.  I had the same issue with the sub-meal this week (you can substitute a meal 3x/wk if you don’t like the meal being offered.)  The sub meal is a BLT with Doritos and fruit.  Only, because I am gluten free, I can’t have the vegetarian bacon, so I have a Sunbutter and jelly sandwich which looks tiny compared to the BLTs and of course, ¼ of it is cut off.  Again, it is so glaringly small on my plate….It is so obvious…they may as well just spell out the word FAT with my food.  Basically, if meals weren’t hard enough already, this whole Portion-of-Shame business is killing me.

Ugh…I am just not a happy camper.

All I need to do is get through today and go in the outing and come home with some projects/craft supplies that can take my mind off of things for a while.

What Else?

Oh…I did mention my portion size issue (though not at all the depth to which I feel it) to the dietician the other day.  I got the impression that I was not the first to speak up about being uncomfortable with the comparing.  Last night she made an announcement about how meal plans are individualized and that comparing is not appropriate and can lead to colluding with other people’s EDs.    Will it make a difference?  I am guessing not.  At dinner, I was sitting next to the woman who I am most uncomfortable with at meals because she is always looking at my plate and talking about comparing (and for some reason, I am always sitting next to her or directly across from her.)  Anyway, as I slowly ate my 3 pieces of asparagus, TVP patty (which was cut in half) and small scoop of scalloped potatoes (1/2 cup maybe) which was all served on an 11” inch dinner plate, I caught my peer making sidelong glances at my plate.  I really wanted to just say “fuck it” and get up and walk away.  But….the Michael’s trip. It has been a huge motivation for me the past few days.  So, instead, I just sat there and wanted to die and ate my food as slowly as possible to make it look like I had more food than I had.  And then, I had forgotten that the meal ended with a dessert.  I am only hoping she didn’t see that the ice cream cup I was handed had ¼ of the ice cream scooped out.

There has got to be a better way to do the portioning.

Insomnia and Rituals? and Hopelessness

Insomnia

Another morning that I wake up too early.  I have been blaming on the time change, but it has been a week and a half since I crossed time zones and went back in time an hour.  And I have been staying up later but still waking up at 4:40 pretty much every morning.  It is starting to wear me down.

And this morning when I woke up, my teeth hurt, which means I was clenching my teeth really hard during the night.  Not only am I waking up too early, but I am not getting restful/quality sleep when I do sleep.

Rituals?

Meg and I were discussing my self-harm habits yesterday and she commented that perhaps I had a bit of a ritual about it.  I sort of shrugged it off.  But then she recommended that I mention it to the anxiety therapist (with whom I have an appointment this afternoon.)  I told Meg I would not.

It is bad enough that I have to discuss self-harming with Meg or anyone else here.  But the anxiety therapist?  No way.  There are some behaviors that I do that I consider pretty private and am pretty closed about and that includes self-harm.  Plus the fact that I feel so much shame about it.  Why would I want to tell to the anxiety therapist and have to experience that shame?

I suppose there is pretty much nothing about me that doesn’t induce shame….So, what is the point of trying to protect myself from shame? Likely, I will cave and tell the anxiety therapist because it doesn’t really matter what I feel.  Either I will just block the shame out, or I will accept it because honestly, I deserve the shame for self-harming because it really is an abhorrent behavior.

Hopelessness

Right after we finish meals and while we are still at the table, we discuss how the meal went for us, our feelings (yuck!) and our urges.  Last night, I just felt run-down and defeated at dinner and so during the check-in discussion, I said that I felt hopeless.  The Direct Care person at my table caught right on to it and asked to talk to me about it later.  Ordinarily, I would really chafe at the idea of discussing it more, but I really like this particular direct care person and she has tried to reach out to me a handful of times.  She seems like a safe person.

So, later on, we chatted.  I explained to her how much pressure I am putting on myself to get better faster (worried about my insurance) and that it seems like my progress is too slow.  I also admitted to her that I have high standards for myself.  I guess it was good talking to her….But ….I don’t know….I didn’t tell her everything.  Like, I didn’t tell her that I wasted the whole first week by adjusting to the new place, worrying about fitting in socially and not knowing what was going on because everything is new.  That’s a whole week gone that I should have been using better.

I also didn’t tell her that I am totally failing at therapy.  I supposed to be opening up and discussing feelings and processing my stuff…And I can barely do it.  And every time I have a therapy appointment in which I am guarded and can’t open up, it is an appointment wasted.  I should be doing it better and faster.  And I am angry and frustrated because I can’t.

And my therapist is too nice.  I like her a lot….but she wants to feel empathy and seems to have compassion for me and it really bothers me.  Yesterday, I said something and then I looked at her and she had this look on her face.  It was one of empathy and concern and I bristled inside.  I don’t understand why she doesn’t see me as I really am.  If she did, then she wouldn’t feel empathy for me, she would feel disgust.

I don’t know…I don’t know how to do any of the work here and I feel like I am doing it all wrong.  I feel all confused and scrambled inside.  I have no idea what I am doing or how to do it right.  I am sooo frustrated.

And my stupid period still isn’t behaving and I cannot express exactly how much that bothers me.  I just want my body to do what it is supposed to do.

Awkwardness and Shame

I feel like my blog posts have been a bit wander-y in terms of thoughts for the past few days.  I guess that makes sense because I feel kind of lost and wander-y.  But I think getting the thoughts out of my head is good.  Too much in my head and things get complicated.

Today, I see the AT.  The AT was on vacation all of last week and yesterday as well.  So, I missed four visits with him.  Instead of obsessing about it, I just kind of ignored the whole thing.  Plus, I am been in the capable hands of my PNP for the past week and a half, so I got the support I needed without bugging the AT during his vacation.  Of course, my poor PNP got exposed to my extra crazy.  She’s been supporting me via texts, with twice a day check ins.  I tend to be more unfiltered via text and so more of my crazy slipped out.  I feel kind of awkward about it….But then again, I feel awkward about ashamed about everything, so the texting shouldn’t be any different.

The texting has been helpful.  I do honestly think that the accountability has decreased my self-harming for the past 10 days.  And the restricting too.  However, I feel guilty about the texting, even though I have been told I don’t need to, so I gave my PNP a chance to get out of the texts last night (since the AT is back).  In the end, we mutually agreed that the texting check ins are helpful, so we will continue them for the time being.

I suppose I should check in with the AT about it and see if he cares.  Ugh…I am kind of uncomfortable about my therapy appointment today.  I still feel embarrassed about the over-sharing from the week before he left.  I was kind of hoping the feeling would have worn off….But I still feel kind of stupid about it and ashamed.  And the over-share, plus my reaction to it makes me feel vulnerable.  And you know how much I hate feeling vulnerable.

Hmmmm….Now my mind has gotten all wander-y again in terms of what to write about.  I think I will pause for now and save some of my wander-y for tomorrow’s post.