The depression continues. It is like I am overwhelmed by emotional pain right now. I hate it. And how do I talk about it with the new therapist? I am trying so hard to push myself to trust her, but she is not Kyla and she is not Meg and she is not the AT. And she isn’t attuned to me yet. Yesterday, I tried and tried not to cry, but she wanted to talk about feelings and stuff and my stupid walls collapsed a bit and I cried. I hate not being in control.
Today, my suicidal ideation started. No, I am not actively suicidal. One time Kyla asked me if suicidal ideation is a way of comforting myself. I had never thought of it that way, but yes, my current suicidal ideation is a way of knowing that there could be relief from the emotional pain. This is different from some suicidal ideation in the past when I felt like killing myself was the only relief from my pain. But if I didn’t kill myself then (when I thought it was my only solution) then I won’t kill myself now. Now, it is more of a litmus test as to how bad I am feeling.
I think a lot of it is the triggered PTSD. Like, my trauma (as much as I choose to ignore it. And btw, I couldn’t convince the new therapist that I hadn’t had trauma.) is right in my face right now and I am struggling to manage it. As a matter of fact, I accidentally re-traumatized myself yesterday. And I am still reeling from that. TMI ahead…stop now if you don’t want to read it.
So, yesterday morning, I was putting in a tampon and I somehow managed to pinch the opening of my vagina and it hurt a lot. It was the last thing I needed with my heightened PTSD; to cause myself vaginal pain (I actually cried because I was so traumatized). Then the spot where I pinched myself hurt all day. So, all day, I had this pain triggering me and every tampon I used re-triggered the already triggered me. It was awful. (And if you wonder why I kept putting in tampons…I am at that stage of my life where my period is sooo crazy heavy that not using tampons is not an option…And I am lucky if I get two hours out of a ultra tampon before I I bleed through and have to change it. So..pads? That just wouldn’t work for being out of the house. Heck, I don’t even like tampons but I have to use them.)
And today? My vagina still hurts. My PTSD is still triggered. My passive suicidal ideation is triggered. I have a therapy assignment to write about shame and I don’t think I have the emotional stability to do it at the moment. I have a dietition assignment to write about why I want recovery and my body image and recovery, which makes me feel like my dietition thinks I don’t want to recover. And I am overwhelmed and depressed and starting to feel hopeless.
But, I am blogging to get some of this out of my head, I am meeting a friend at her place to have lunch with her (I am hoping she will let me use some of her Fluff and I can have a Fluffernutter sandwich.) I have programming today. I am going to go on a little grocery shopping trip. I am going to force myself to be “normal” and get out of the house. Even if I just want to climb back into bed and pretend I don’t exist. Hopefully, this all gets me through until I see my therapist tomorrow morning.
Speaking of my therapist, I have to figure out what to call the new therapist on my blog, because typing out “new therapist” every time isn’t the best way to do it. Nothing pops immediately to mind. I’ll have to think about it.