Bitter Disappointment and Yoga and Hating Myself

Bitter Disappointment

Yesterday had a rough start.  I was really upset that I couldn’t go help SS with the nursery set up and stuff.  I had been looking forward to it and I really wanted to help her and then I had to bail.  I was angry (with myself) and frustrated and I ended up being grumpy all morning about it.  I threw myself into baking (pumpkin bread for ds, biscuits for the dogs) and working on my Art Therapy homework to dull the emotions I was feeling.

Yoga

By the time yoga time came around, I was still having tachycardia and I just plain felt crummy…Some days the low calories catch up with me and I just feel fatigued and weak and blah.  Yesterday was one of those days.   But I was not going to miss yoga.  I am a stubborn sort of person and I was going to yoga come Hell or high water.

And I did go. I started off by asking my Yoga Instructor if we could talk for a couple of minutes before we started.  I have only seen her once since before Christmas and so much has gone on over the past month, I felt like it was important to touch base.  I mentioned the tachycardia episodes and the low calories as the cause and also that I was currently feeling tachycardic and tired/low energy and just not myself.

You know the nice thing about my Instructor?  I told her all that stuff and she didn’t even bat an eye.  I am always prepared to be judged or rejected…But nope.  She listened, thanked me for talking with her and then did a yoga session that perfectly met my needs for the day.  It was not super strenuous, which was good because I was tired just doing the poses we did.  My Instructor has a knack for that…somehow (even when I don’t express a specific issue) our sessions are always just what I need at the time.

While we were doing yoga today, I was watching my Instructor and I was struck by something. It looks like she is really comfortable being in her body.  You can just tell by the way she moves and the way carries herself.  I almost asked her about it…but let the impulse slide.  But as I was watching her, I was wondering what it would be like to actually be comfortable in your body…And more specifically, what would it feel like to me to be comfortable in my body?

Hating Myself

My relationship with my body is one of pretty vile self-loathing, criticism and judgement.  I probably cannot adequately express how much I hate my body.  Part of it is an extension of my general hatred for myself and part of it is being disgusted with my body and therefore hating it.  I am not sure I will ever like my body.

As part of my Art Therapy homework, I made a representation of myself.  Any time I do this, I am just filled with an intense self-hateful rage and overwhelming urge to destroy whatever the representation is.  The hate is so vicious that I just want to shred or smash or scratch out the Me figure.  Lots of times, I represent the feeling with a big red X over the Me.  I don’t know why making Me representations triggers this.  It also triggers quite the nasty spiral where the urge to shred transfers to my physical body.  And that intense loathing and body hatred just spikes to pretty much unbearable levels.

I wonder how this self-hatred plays into my eating disorder, cuz I bet it does.

The Art Therapist and my PNP have both told me that my minimalist eating counts as self-harming behavior.  I am not sure what I think of that.  I am not doing it to hurt myself.  I am doing it to #1. Not gain weight, #2. Have control over something before I lose my shit, #3. Lose weight to be healthy. None of those reasons have anything to do with self-harm. In fact, they all seem to be the opposite of self-harm.  Now, maybe the AT and PNP would point out that the extremeness of my calorie reduction is bad…But really, I don’t care.  I am pretty sure I am fine…Just as long as no one asks me to increase my calories.  That would make me un-fine.

Now…You might think that me saying that I am fine directly contradicts what I said about feeling crummy today.  I choose to ignore that contradiction.

Or Not (Good Things, Good Day)

I am feeling grumpy.  My big plans for the day may well be thwarted.  I woke up with tachycardia/palpitations and very shaky/fumbly hands.  This does not bode well for going to SS’s and helping her out.  I would be happy to just ignore the tachycardia, but prudence will prevail on that, so I am going to stay home unless the tach settles down.  However, the clumsy hands would make me a useless helper anyway. I don’t know if they will start cooperating more when the tach settles, I have been having challenges with my fine motor skills for the past couple of weeks.

I am disappointed and mad at my stupid body.  Of course, it is my own fault…since my doctor says that the cardiac issues are because of the minimal eating and the Nutritionist said the fine motor impairment likely has the same cause.

😦

 

Angry? and Off Probation

I had intentions of drawing a mandala today…But….Clearly, I didn’t.  Maybe tomorrow?

Angry?

Yesterday, I ran into my friend, L, who is also a blog reader.  She commented that the last post she read was, Breaking, and that the post came from an angry place.  I had to give this idea some thought.  When I wrote the post, I wasn’t feeling angry…Or at least, I didn’t think I was.  Now, when I look back at the post, I can see that the first sentence is kind of angry sounding.  It’s interesting how that came across…Really, I was feeling overwhelmed.  And maybe that did make me feel mad.  But mostly I just felt overwhelmed in an intense crushing kind of way.  And though I didn’t say it in that post, I was also kind of stewing in some extra vile self-loathing.  So…there was anger in my being…I just didn’t realize I was spilling it onto “paper”

Off Probation

Where did I run into L?  At the doctor’s office.  L is my friend who works at my doctor’s office as their PNP.  I was there because I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor.  I am happy to report that my Primary Physician is now off of probation!  She is back to her regular old self and I am very relieved!

The visit with my PP was about my tachycardia.  Evidently, my tachycardia is being caused by my sustained calorie restricted diet. As a matter of fact, my sustained calorie restrictive diet now has a diagnosis and a name, anorexia nervosa.  I am not sure what to say about that.  Like I said the other day, I am not sure that I have a problem, but everyone else thinks I have a problem, and I meet the diagnostic criteria for a problem…But I just don’t see it.

Anyway, my PP explained that my heart is working extra hard (by beating extra fast) to compensate for lack of nutrients and energy and that this is a bad thing.  Then she talked with me for a while and did some education with me and also expressed some sincere and personal concern for me.  She asked me to go back next week for another follow-up and she also is going to be calling the AT.

This version of my PP is the one that I have known and really liked…I don’t know who she was for the those rocky appointments I had with her last year. She seemed back to “normal” when I saw her on that first ER trip day and she seemed herself again yesterday.  I am glad too, because I really didn’t want to have to find a new doctor!