I have been getting through this week with lots of support from Team Heidi.  Sometimes, I feel guilty for all the support I need from the professionals on my team.  I am sure they have other clients that need their attention and I hate taking up more than my fair share of their time.  Plus, I feel kind of embarrassed to be so needy.  And yet, without the extra support, I would be a wreck…Or perhaps quite literally in the hospital.  So, I will feel ashamed for needing the support, but I will still ask for it.

I have also been getting support from a subset of Team Heidi: Friends.  I have been reaching out and asking local friends for time to visit them and reconnect and for them to help me by having me not be alone.  And I have been pretty upfront about why I want to spend time with them (that I need support).  And my friends have been receptive.  Monday, I had lunch with a friend and we chatted for a long time.  Yesterday, I went over to SS’s and visited with her and Blossom (Pixie was in preschool) and we went on a lovely long walk in the woods near her house.  I have two friend-dates lined up for next week too.  Wednesdays and Fridays are my tricky days right now as I have no appointments and lots of time on my hands is not so good.

That said, I need to really apply myself to collecting some CEUs online as my license expires at the end of this month and I have been a bit remiss in my collection of continuing ed hours.  I need to get 20 hours by the end of the month.  This Friday, I couldn’t round up any friend-dates, so it will be a date with me and my laptop and some CEUs.

In terms of Team Heidi support, I am also working with one of the key players on Team Heidi to get the support I need.  That would be dh. 🙂  It is hard for me ask him for support and to express how much I need his support…But I am trying.  I am better at it than I used to be, but it still challenges me.

Struggling and March Journaling


I am just having a really hard time right now.  I am not sure what can be done for it.  Thank goodness I have lots of Team Heidi appointments right now, as I am really in need of the extra support.

(And there is a weird coincidence that the first journal entry I am posting today is also about really struggling.)

March Journaling

3-13 Sunday Morning

I am already struggling with the amount of emotional pain I am in right now.  I already feel myself having to put on the “I’m okay” mask and hiding behind it.  What I really want to do is restrict (my weight has gone up unacceptably), self-harm (to stop the feelings) and I wish I was dead to stop the hurting.

Why can’t I keep it under control? I end up crying, which doesn’t seem to help. I want to ask why I feel so much worse, especially when I am supposed to be getting better, but I know that even just the idea of peeling back the layers is terrifying and painful.

I am afraid to ask for help. I am afraid they will put me on some sort of restriction or move my room or otherwise do something with the intent of keeping me safe that will actually feel like a punishment. I can’t talk to my peers—I don’t know who would understand.

I just wish I was dead.

Why is everything about this so hard?

I don’t know how I am going to face breakfast this morning. I feel so stressed that I feel sick. I feel betrayed by my body and the food that is supposed to be nourishing me and keeping me healthy has actually caused me to gain weight.

I don’t want to get dressed today. I don’t want to participate today. I don’t want to get out of bed today (even though I have done so several times)(vitals—ortho—Gatorade—re-check of vitals, shower, laundry) and it isn’t even 7:00.

Oh-and today is Family Day which is going to super suck.  FD followed by weekend visiting hours is going to be brutal—knowing that dh would love to be here but cannot because of the distance.

The only good thing lately is that I got my night meds early and was able to go to bed early.  Thank goodness!  It gave me relief from the pain.

I will think about talking to one of the counselors today—If I am brave enough to do so.

3-13 Evening

Things are evening out for me.  I feel settled enough now to be feisty and ask for more involvement in my care i.e. asking for actual #s from my lab results, asking about a new med added to my med-list (Miralax) and complaining vigorously that I missed a class due to med line issues.

I am really making social connections here. I have found a handful of friends.  I really like K.  She is 18 and thoughtful and bright and just full of wisdom and good insight.  I also really like Biebs—again bright, thoughtful, kind. There are many others too and nursing staff too that I feel connected with.

I checked in with dh. The 15 mins phone limit seems just about right.  I can talk without being too sucked into the homesickness.

Bad blood draw tonight. Fussy nurse too. I tried to make small talk to keep me from fainting and she was clearly irritated.  T. was her name. I need to remember to avoid her in the future.  She poked me and didn’t get a vein.  She also said (I asked her if my chatting was bothering her) she doesn’t talk when doing blood draws.  Well….how can you distract me and keep me from passing out if you don’t talk to me?

Talked to one of the counselors, A, about urges to self-harm.  She mentioned that taking away the eating disorder coping skills helps flare up other coping strategies.  Well…I knew that! I had just forgotten.  It’s what I refer to as “switching pathologies.”


Almost There? and Family and Friends and Team Heidi

Almost There?

This process of getting into The Facility has been amazingly consuming.  It sucks up lots and lots of time, lots of energy and lots of time from various members of Team Heidi.  I think we will all be glad when the process is done.

Yesterday, I spent half the afternoon juggling emails with the admissions coordinator, phone calls with the intake gal and also with my insurance case manager.  Oh…plus emails to my nutritionist as the facility needs medical documentation of my need for a gluten free diet.  Remember earlier this week, I made a list of loose ends to work on?  I have not had time to do any of it.  Seriously, every spare moment has been focused on getting my ducks in a row to get to the facility.

So…Here’s where it stands right now:

  • I still need the nutritionist to fax over her last note for GF documentation. She says she will do it first thing Monday morning.
  • I listed both dh and I as guarantors for the facility. I had my financial phone call yesterday and Monday they will call dh and apprise him as to the finances.
  • The medical team at The Facility had not finished reviewing my medical paperwork by end of day Friday. Hopefully, that will be completed on Monday.
  • The admission coordinator is working to get my visit pre-authorized so there are no surprises when I get there.
  • My case manager is working to get my visit pre-authorized so there are no surprises when I get there.
  • I don’t have an admission date yet, but once the medical review is done, I should get a date (this is probably going to happen on Monday)

The preauthorization of insurance is really important.  Just because the facility accepted me at a residential level doesn’t necessarily mean my insurance will concur with the level of care needed…They likely will, but there is no guarantee. I need to know ahead of time because no coverage will mean no residential treatment for me.  Residential treatment is…you might want to sit down for this….$2600 per day.  Yup….Crazy expensive.  So, there’s no way we could pay for it out of pocket…our pockets simply aren’t that deep!

I found out the daily cost during my financial phone call.  She wanted to know if my insurance ran out, would it be feasible to continue any treatment paying out of pocket?  Then she dropped the daily rate.  Ummmm….no…that is not at all feasible. As a matter of fact, dh and I have already discussed a contingency plan for what to do if insurance cuts me off with minimal notice (which can happen).  It involves a hotel and/or a train.  Either way, it will be cheaper than $2600!!!

Yesterday, I ran an errand to get a few things I will need to take with me.  I am planning on packing simply and light.  I did have one splurge (one item that I don’t need for the trip, but really want to have to make myself more comfortable when I am there).  I loved the fleece I made the little dog’s coats out of.  I really, really wanted to get some to put on top of my bed as a bed spread to be cheerful and remind me of home.  I gambled that JoAnn’s would still have some fleece left.  I was not disappointed.


Now…I just have to say that the color is not quite right in this picture. For some reason, I can’t get a photo that accurately represents the color.  It is much more of what I would call a Hawaiian blue, more cheerful.  But at least you can get an idea.

I am going to cut off the selvages and ends with my pinking shears and that will be the extent of my edging for it.  Quick and easy!

I have started making a pile of things I am taking.  The process has started.

The Family

So, dh is taking all of this really well.  He is doing whatever he can to support me.  Yesterday, he told his boss and professor (he is taking an art history class this semester) that he has an upcoming trip and why.  They were both very understanding about it.

Ds appears to have adjusted already…He is a pretty resilient sort of critter.  Hmmm….wonder where he gets that from!  🙂


My friends have been super supportive for which I am appreciative.  A is actually coming over this afternoon to see me before I go.  L has gone off to another country for a class, but had been very supportive right up until she left…I am sure she is still being supportive…Just not in an IM kind of way.

SS…she has been awesome a well.  She has a lot on her hands at the moment.  I actually have been worried about her.  Poor little Miss Blossom contracted a nasty upper respiratory virus that tends to prey on preemie babies. They have been at the hospital all week.  Blossom got sicker and had to go into the pediatric ICU a couple of days ago. But…she has started to perk up and appears to be (slowly) on the mend.  And yet, even with all that going one, we have been in frequent communication via IM.

Team Heidi

The AT and my PNP have been kindly fielding my bouts of panic.  I have been needing more “after hours” support over the past week and they have both been more than willing to give it to me.  I worry that I am asking too much time from them…Hopefully, pretty soon I will be gone and not bugging them anymore.  Do you think they will miss me when I am gone?

Olfactory Triggers and One More Day


Olfactory Triggers

Ages ago, we bought a different brand laundry detergent.  I don’t even remember why we bought it (because I have sensitive skin and we always buy the unscented/dye free stuff), but I cannot stand the smell of it.  I used it the other day without really thinking…basically I just grabbed the wrong bottle. I bring this up because this particular scent brings a vague tickle to my brain…an association of this scent to something bad.  Somehow my brain says, “This scent = child molester.”  I don’t know exactly where that comes from, but it is not the first time I have experienced that connection.

Scents and odors are very memory triggering for me…Both in a good way and in a bad way.  A particular scent can transport me back in time to the feeling of the time.  Kind of the way music can. For the most part, it is okay.  But certain scents…they get to me.

That student-teacher who was inappropriate with me when I was a freshman in high school…She wore a particular cologne.  And whenever I smell that cologne (like when I am out in public and someone has been around who is wearing it) I am transported back to all of those feelings from when I was a freshman.  And I feel edgy and unsafe and it triggers my anxiety and PTSD.  And it does all of that before I can even process what is happening.  It crashes past the rational part of my thinking and right to the trauma recesses of my brain.

There are a few particular scents like this.  Certain colognes and semen being the worst offenders.  (I have a lot of issues with semen…but am not sure I am brave enough to go into it in detail.)

The funny thing is that I don’t necessarily even realize that there are odor connections with events/things/people/feelings until I am away from the originator of the scent (away both physically and in terms of time.)  It’s not until a scent takes me back to certain feelings that I realize that it is a trigger scent.

And like I said, it’s not all bad.  Some odors have very positive associations, like dh’s bay rum cologne.  That scent association is safety and love.  I could just sit and smell it all day long!  Or scents that remind me of babies, Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo, baby powder…They pull forward feelings of tenderness and love and that yummy feeling of snuggly babies and peacefulness.  Just thinking about it makes me feel calm.

Anyway….So, as I was sitting here on the couch and snuggling under a freshly laundered blanket and all I could smell was that oppressive “child molester” laundry detergent.  Yuck!  I tossed the blanket on the floor and will get it into the laundry pile to be rewashed and decontaminated.

And we won’t be buying any alternative laundry detergents again!

One More Day

Just have to make it through today and then my routine will fall back to normal.  Art Therapy tomorrow at 8.  Nutritionist later in the day.  Hopefully, I will hear from my Yoga Instructor and be scheduling my yoga for this week….Things will be back to the way they should be.  Plus I have a PNP appointment on Tuesday and then see my Physician on Friday.  As a matter-of-fact, if yoga works out, I will see everyone on Team Heidi in the same week!  That pretty much never happens since I don’t see my Physician that often.