Sometimes, I think if I actually survive all the therapy and work at Hilltop, it will be a miracle. Yesterday….Well, it was one of those days.
First of all, I felt like crap most of yesterday. It started after lunch on Sunday, I kind of had a stomach ache and was super tired. When I woke up yesterday morning, my stomach ache was full-on nausea and I felt like shit. I was achy and my head hurt…I must have picked up a virus somewhere (yet another reason to not go out in public…too many germs!). When you are in ED treatment, not eating is not an option and I was not looking forward to the day. They are big on giving you meds if you are nauseous but I don’t have a prescription for that med…So, I just muddled through and was miserable.
As a matter of fact, I felt so sick that after breakfast I told the direct care person, “I just have to say for the record, that I do not purge, so if I throw up, it really is because I am sick.” Of course, they all know I don’t purge, but I thought it was worth saying since people do swap around ED behaviors. The DC told me just to let her know if I felt that bad.
I did slowly feel better all day, until right before bed…I think being tired made everything worse. This morning….my stomach is a little bit wobbly but hopefully better.
Okay, but enough of that.
Therapy yesterday sucked. Worse than usual. I was stuck in defensiveness behind my walls, frustrated that I can’t immediately snap out of my defensive habits and angry at my therapist for that stupid trauma narrative. The appointment was frustrating and pointless and was just like spinning my wheels on ice…I got nowhere. I had that old familiar suicidal mantra echoing through my mind. (Probably I should have mentioned that to my therapist? But I didn’t want her to think I was being dramatic….Not that I engage in much drama here.) I left the appointment furious. I went upstairs, put my laptop on the table and walked out the door and kept walking. I ran away. I just couldn’t take one more minute of PHP or Kyla or anything.
Of course, there is no place to run away to here. And I purposefully did not grab my keys when I headed out the door (because I would truly have left the grounds), so I walked down to the parking lot, and sat on the ground between my car and the car next to it and I just sat there. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing, the sky was blue. I could hear the hawks and the rustling leaves and the squirrels in the woods. I decompressed a little bit, I was no longer furious, but my self-harm urges spiked to that level where I would have willingly self-harmed to feel better.
I rode out the SH urge. And the leaves fluttered down around me and their crispness caught in the wind and they spun around as they fell. I felt hungry (stupid body!) and still had high self-harm urges and I still hated PHP, Kyla and this state. But I knew it was time to go back to the building and be safe and eat a snack and do the next right thing.
Of course, this is the real world, so I got back to the building, ignored that I had snack, started browsing airline tickets (I was still stuck in my ‘flight’ (running away) mode). And then a peer came and sat with me. And another. And another. And soon there were a handful of peers listening to me hate therapy and hate the program and missing home. And they were kind and reasonable (to counter my lack of reasoning) and they even encouraged me to get snack.
So….I vented, had snack and then told my favorite Direct Care person, Callie, that I really needed to talk to her.
Talking to Callie helped a lot. And I need to write more about my relationship with Callie, as it has become important here. But…I will have to do it later today or for tomorrow’s blog because I am just plain out of time right now.
So, I ran away yesterday, but not very far. I fantasized about buying a plane ticket home, but did not. I got support from my peers, even though I didn’t ask for it, and wouldn’t have asked. I got really, really angry, which is something I don’t often do. I felt like self-harming, but didn’t. I felt sick all day, but still met my meal plan. I connected with Callie and felt reassured. And really, most of that happened in the space of a couple of hours.
Hopefully, today will be less intense.