Regretting Choosing From Fear
It was cold here yesterday. Super cold. I had yoga scheduled and I could not wait to go because the yoga room is always toasty warm. And since it was sunny, I knew the sun would be pouring in making it warmer…And I knew the floor would be warm because the room has radiant floor heating. Since, I am always cold these days, I was excited to go to yoga. Of course, I wanted to go for all the usual reasons too…But I really wanted the warmth yesterday.
And yoga was deliciously warm and my Instructor was her usual supportive and kind self and I was actually pretty relaxed and still feeling pretty present (leftover from Thursday). It was all good.
And then we got to the end of our session…And I made a choice based on fear and ended up feeling a bit disappointed. It was time for our Savasanah and ever since the flashback, my Instructor lets me find whatever place/position I want to be in to do Savasanah. And I have been choosing to sit on the floor with my back against the wall. Which I did yesterday. But it was not what I wanted to do. What I really wanted to do was to lay on the hardwood floor (not even on my mat) and feel the warmth coming from below it. And I briefly considered it as I slid my hands across the smooth, warm wood as I made my way towards the wall. But…I was afraid. I was afraid to lay on my back and open myself up to the possibility to another flashback. While my body hungered for the comforting warmth of the floor, my mind just couldn’t allow the possibility. <sigh> It wasn’t until later (like a few hours later) that I felt the disappointment…That I really wished I had just let myself follow my instincts and relax on the floor.
Ah well…regrets are regrets. I will have the opportunity to make a different choice another time.
I spent the afternoon at J’s house with her and her baby. I enjoy J’s company, she is very sweet and it was nice to see her. When I was driving there, I realized the last time I saw her was when I had the tachycardia at work and had to go via ambulance to the ER.
Of course, J wanted to know how I am doing. And I didn’t know what to say. I sort of answered vaguely and broadly. She asked if my symptoms were improving any…How do you say to someone, “Well…not really. I am kind of doing it to myself since my symptoms are caused by my eating disorder, which I have been unable to curb. Until I get the calorie restriction under control, I won’t see an improvement in my symptoms.”? It seems kind of heavy for general conversation. Although, I am guessing J would be a safe person to actually share that with, I feel very self-conscious about all my psych stuff and chose not to share.
We just hung out and chatted and admired her baby. I love J, as she likes to share her baby, every time I go, right after I take my shoes off, she asks, “Do you want to hold him?” Of course, I always say, “Yes.” So, I held him and walked him to sleep and then held him in my lap while he was sleeping. We talked about cloth diapers and when her baby was awake again, I showed her how to diaper him with a cloth diaper and then we tested the soaker.
And we spent a long time sitting on the floor while baby climbed on us and over us and around us, while dribbling drool and occasionally gurping spit-up on us. It was heavenly! (I love, love, love babies!)
Here is Mr. Cutie Pie in his soaker. Of the three different sizes I ended up sewing for him, the largest fit the best. (Sorry the picture is blurry, cell phone camera+moving target does not lend itself to the best pictures!)
I told his mom that I would happily make him some more covers and she invited me back to her house to make some there and then she could help me make them. It sounds like a plan to me!
Since I spent most of the day out of the house, I didn’t get a ton of knitting done, but I did get two and a half or so more stripes done on the blanket square. I am not a super fast knitter to start and since I started back up again, I seem a little bit slower and my hands get tired pretty fast. I imagine in a couple of weeks, that will improve…For now, it means the knitting is somewhat slow going. It feels like it will take me forever to get four squares done! That’s okay though…I am a process knitter, not a product knitter (it is the same with most other handcrafting I do) so I don’t mind the time spent.